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DH against homebirth Rss

hi there,
needing a bit of advice! this is really a bit of a vent for me so sorry if its long!
last night me n DH were lying in bed and talking bout what i want to do for birth. im really wanting to give home water birth a go and try do it natural. (i was induced with DD1)but all of a sudden he says thats he doesnt like it at all and is not going to change his mind about how he feels about it, but that if i want to do it its fine.

his reasons for this was that he thinks hospitals are safer, and has all the worst scenarios in head like me and bubs die, bubs dies, or i die (dramatic i know) will happen if we have a homebirth. i tried telling him that that hardly ever happens and can easily happen just as much in a hospital. my DH has a very strong mind set and when he thinks he knows something hes always right.he also doesnt understand why i want a water birth either. he kept saying about a epidural aswell even when i told him that i want to try doing it all me no drugs. (i had a epidural with DD1)

i told him that my MW wouldnt do a homebirth if there were any complications and would transfer to the hospital if she thought there was something wrong etc and she can deal with most situations - thats what shes for. he got mad at me when i said that he can come talk to her next visit and ask questions; his response to that was no im not talking to anyone about it i wont change my mind, if any1 trys telling me why i should like hel tell them to f*** off.

dont get me wrong my DH is a very loving and kind man, he just has a strong personality and when hes got something in his head thats it you cant change it very rarely.

after our talk he said but if you want it its fine il still support you. i was a bit upset after this, i dont want to go through labour without all his support 100%, with him thinking i cant do it without being at the hospital and a epidural.

i just feel stuck, i really want to give it a go (i wouldnt do it if there were complications or anything like that) and in my mind theres no reason why i cant ive no problems with this pregnancy and bubs is healthy and growing perfect.and on the other side i want DH to be comfortable with it and dont want to do something that hes not happy with.

sorry for long post just needed to get of my chest! so any kind of advice would be great!
Sorry I'm with your husband, things can easily go wrong quickly even with perfectly normal pregnancies, why would you want to risk it? And would you really want the stress of being transferred to hospital if something was wrong? Sorry I know it's your labour, but you and the baby are your DH's life sad

What a horrible position to be in sad

I have had two homebirths and the first one my DH didnt have a choice because I had planned to birth at a birthing centre with a homebirth midwife but on the day I decided that I wasnt moving and the baby was happening at home grin

Do you think that he would listen to you if you got together some sound information about homebirths and how midwives work with the hospital and how tranfers- if needed- are done? From your post I assume you are in NZ, if you are maybe letting him know that homebirths and birthing centre births are essentially the same.... they both require transfers if complications arise and also that you will have two midwives present that have equipment for emergency situations.

There is so much info out there, that your midwife would have if she is a midwife that homebirths that would support your decision.

Good luck I really hope that you get the birth experience you want smile
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I'm sorry but i'm with your DH on this one.
Yes having a home birth would be wonderful but when you at the hospital at least they know what to do if a problem pops up.

If you at home and a problem does pop up you may not get to the hospital in time.

If you feel so strongly about having a home birth maybe get some info for your DH to read. And maybe you take the time to also think about it and take into count what your DH wishes are then you both can decided on what type of birth you both want.

OOOoohhhh tricky one!!

As much as I'd like to say you should do what you want, I have to say I think if your DH is very against it because he is fearful of your safety I wouldn't advise a home birth.

You need him as a support during labour and I would want my DH to feel comfortable and relaxed. The last thing you need is to be worried about him while you're in labour.

I also feel (please don't crucify me for this!!) that although you are the one giving birth, your DH is entitled to have a good experience too and if he afraid and uncomfortable he won't be enjoying the magical experience that is happening! I think you can still have a lovely, calm and relaxed birth.

A birth centre would have been a good compromise but I assume you are too far along for that now.

Maybe bubs will come so quickly you'll end up with an accidental home birth?? wink
thanks for your advice ladies, yes i live in nz in whakatane - we dont have a birth centre here just the hospital which only has 1 birthing pool (part of the reason why i was thinking bout home birth ).
i want DH to be comfortable and enjoy it too so he can support me without worring bout anything. im not 100% set on homebirth i dont have set birth plan or anything like that - i just go with the flow so to speak! with my DD i didnt get the chance to do the things i wanted to because of being induced so i guess another reason why im looking into it.
rosie mumma i hope i have quick birth!!
You and your children are the most important people in his life....a strong reaction like that would be due to the fear of losing his whole world. As the person going through labour us women know we can do it and feel prepared to go through whatever it takes.... and I don't think any of us really feel that something might go wrong.

Imagine just having to watch your partner go through agony and not being able to do anything? I'd be fearful too.... its something he has no control over and can't help with. So he just wants to make sure you're in the safest place to begin with.

I don't think you can expect to help alleviate that fear with any kind of education or talks with people. If I were in your shoes I think I would seriously consider doing what helps him to be okay about it. You can still have a water birth elsewhere can't you?

I pretty much agree with what Dansally said.

Labouring women need people there who are going to support them and if he's already talking epidurals when you haven't even gone into labour yet and he knows you want to try without drugs is he really going to be the best person to support you and advocate for what you'd want if necessary? I think I'd bash DP over the head and ban him from the room if he said stuff like that to me.

This is your baby together...not just his and not just yours, but unfortunately one of you is going to have to decide who gets a greater say in where it is born and one of you is going to be disappointed. Why should the person who hasn't gone through the pregnancy physically, isn't going to have to go through labour and give birth get a greater say than the person who does? If DP came to me and said "I'm not sure about this homebirth business" I would be gathering as much info as I could to make him a bit more comfortable with it all but I'd also be telling him that because I am the one who has carried said baby, and is going to go through labour with said baby that I get to decide where said baby is born.

If you really do want a homebirth, then make sure his support isn't conditional. Is he going to help you get ready for a homebirth? Is he really going to support your choice or is he just saying that in the assumption that you will go to a hospital? I think if you want to birth at home with necessary precautions then it should be your choice. But of course you would want him on board with it so you should confront him about his claim that he would support you (because it isn't real support is it, if he has clearly shown you that he is against the idea?).

I know a few families that have homebirthed and all of their partners were a bit worried at first mention of it, however having done it and been involved and also been involved in looking into it and seeing how excited and empowered the mums were about it all, they are real advocates for homebirthing now.

My partner is in the same space as me so he understands all my concerns, and has read important things or interesting things I have asked him to. He really gets my reasons for things, so perhaps you could try to allow your partner to understand your reasons?

Maybe there are blogs on the net for dads who have homebirthed etc, you should have a look.

C-hippie_kiwi lol at bashing your partner over the head!

C-hippie_kiwi lol at bashing your partner over the head!

I'm not the violent type really..but yeah if he was just going to be second guessing everything I said I wanted and potentially do the opposite just because it was what he wanted then I might possibly do him bodily injury. laugh Sure he can have an opinion, but until he is the one labouring and birthing the baby then his opinion isn't going to carry more weight than mine. Selfish, maybe, but I know how hospitals make me feel and unless it is medically indicated, I wouldn't choose to give birth in one again.

Hi There

Sorry so late, just read your posts and i have to say we are pretty much in the same boat. We are in Whakatane too and My partner is deadset against a homebirth.

To be honest i can understand why as this is our first and we are about 15 min from town. But my MW did say that the nearest oncall OB to Whakatane hospital is in Ohope, so if there was a complication at the hospital and the OB had to be called in it would take at least 15min for them to get there! Thats the issue with not living in a big city i guess smile

I really feel for you as i so so hate hospitals and think that it is ridiculous that we go to a hospital to give birth just in case we (or baby) get sick!!! When else do we do that? Also i ahve heard that homebirths are far nicer form both the men and womens perspective. Not to mention it babies have been born at home for hundreds of years!!

Sorry i can't really offer you anything but an understanding ear as it is a decision that only you and your husband can make togther. I would just ask him in a very clam manner if he would look over some of the litriture prior to making a final decision, that way at least your both making an imformed decision.

All the best, so funny that we are both from the smae small town in NZ and have the same problem with out men (must be something in the water or the beer LOL)

I gotta say that as someone who had an emergency C-section I am with your DH on this one.

Everything was going along nicely for me until it wasn't and I had to be rushed into the OR. I shudder to think what may have been if I wasn't already in the hospital.

Having a homebirth might sound lovely to you now, but once you are in labour you might feel differently.

I know my DH was anxious enough when I had our 2nd bub cause if something did go pear shaped it wasn't just him that would be left behind. I think you have to accept his concerns on this one and don't try to force him into liking the idea, it is his child too.
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