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Why do I feel like noone understands Why I am terr Rss

Women are bullied in our hospitals, and it is totally apalling........

That is a very unfair statement - Do not sit there and paint all hospitals with the one brush, they are not all like this.
I am sorry for you if you experienced one or 2 or however many that are but dont sit there and make out that they are all torture chambers. That is simply doing what you dont like people doing to you.

[Edited on 12/02/2008]
Sadly it happens more than many women care to talk about too and when they do they are met with many comments about get over it and the like. It is also narrowminded to have the attitude if it didn't happen to me and I was fine then it doesn't happen or you shouldn't be bothered by it if it did happen..

It is not as simple as saying "No" in some circumstances - unforuntely - although it should be.

Wear your baby out!!!

Just wanted to add to just because you go private doesn't guarantee you of having your chosen dr or midwife either. I have been private 2 times and only 1 time actually got to choose my careprovider that actually attended the birth.

They go on holidays, have other births, change hospys. So many women get jipped at the last minute because their trusted dr is not on or unable to attend. RE: the strangers at birth, I have had both and I can assure you it is better with trusted attendents at your birth, a lot more reassuring and 'safe'.

Wear your baby out!!!

Posted by: Crunchy Mama
Just wanted to add to just because you go private doesn't guarantee you of having your chosen dr or midwife either. I have been private 2 times and only 1 time actually got to choose my careprovider that actually attended the birth.

They go on holidays, have other births, change hospys. So many women get jipped at the last minute because their trusted dr is not on or unable to attend. RE: the strangers at birth, I have had both and I can assure you it is better with trusted attendents at your birth, a lot more reassuring and 'safe'.



Im sure it would be better to have a trusted friend deliver your babies, but honestly - how many people have midwives or doctors as friends??? Thats why women take "support" people into labour with them, so there is a familiar face. You can't class a midwife you hire and get to know over nine months as a "friend" so whats the difference???
As far as OB's going on holidays or not being on duty at the time of birth. Well I guess $hit happens sometimes doesn't it? Your trusted midwives that you hire to help you deliver at home, might have a car accident, or fall sick or anything that might keep them from attending the birth. The only sure things in life are death and taxes!
Posted by: Sarah_F
Im sure it would be better to have a trusted friend deliver your babies, but honestly - how many people have midwives or doctors as friends??? Thats why women take "support" people into labour with them, so there is a familiar face. You can't class a midwife you hire and get to know over nine months as a "friend" so whats the difference???


To be fair, I can't see anywhere in the post you're replying to where the word "Friend" comes into it at all. The closest I can see is "trusted attendant"

You're right that a trusted attendant may have an accident, be ill etc. However, the chances of that are relatively low with that happening right at the time the baby is due.

I have had three deliveries. All of them in hospital. Of those experiences, two have been good experiences (well, with regard to the treatment by the hospital) and one has been bad. My personal experiences with other hospitals haven't been specifically with labour, but it's been enough to know that the general feeling from doctors and nurses toward patients is 'bad' at best. They look down on the patients, and treat them as second class citizens. Yes, I know this isn't every place, but it's a very common phenomenon. Even with my two 'good' hospital labour experiences, I've had bad experiences within them. With one of those places, I delivered a baby who was stillborn (he had died prior to arriving at the hospital). The attitude was that because I wasn't crying (not everyone grieves the same way!) that I must have actually CAUSED my baby to die. She openly told my husband and myself that we must have done something to kill him, because we weren't crying! Then, as if that wasn't offensive enough, she openly stated that my husband couldn't have cared anyway because he was "only the father"! Then, just to top things off, she told us we couldn't care about the baby because we refused to consider taking the corpse home, putting the baby in the already prepared nursery, taking photos of the baby, taking the baby on HOLIDAY and taking photos... I'm sorry, especially if someone actually thinks this is a good idea... but I find it downright morbid. It is sick. Especially taking the corpse of our child on holiday! Being told that we are hard-hearted people who don't actually care about the loss of our child (who wasn't even born at that point) is NOT our idea of "good" treatment. Remember, this was at one of the hospitals I classify as "good"

There are some downright unbelievable stories out there. The saddest part of it is that they're true. People have lived those stories. It happens often enough that the stories of people who go in, have their opinions listened to and acknowledged (and then followed through on) are rare. There are lots of stories of people who have gone in and been coerced to change their minds on what they wanted... just because they were bullied into something and didn't realise they were being bullied into it, doesn't mean that the hospital is a good one. Just well practised at the bullying technique.
Ugh!!! Why is so much focused on the birth itself? You go to have a baby, not a beautiful birthing experience you can share with your nearest and dearest. And if you disagree and say it is about your experience, then please forgive me, but its not always just about you! Honestly, your babies aren't going to grow up and say how disappointed they were that they weren't "gently birthed" into the world. They don't give a ****!
You guys are the ones with the hang ups and you are pushing them onto to everyone else. If you can't handle a bad experience in a hospital without becoming post natally depressed or whatever, then how and the hell are you going to deal with the real problems in life? Stop carrying your grudges and enjoy what you have to be thankful for in this world. Perhaps if you took the focus off yourself for a while, you will actually get to experience how truly great life can be!
[Edited on 18/02/2008 by Huggies Moderator]
Girlbunny,

I can't imagine the pain you must have felt with your stillbirth and am shocked to think that staff in a hospital, or anywhere for that matter could behave in that manner. I agree that people grieve in different ways, and I can imagine that you were probably in shock. Did you know beforehand about your son, or did you only learn this later?

I find it shocking that in today's society that fatherhood can be looked upon as something so trivial, that if a baby/child dies that the father isn't capable of being as devastated as the mother at the loss; he helped create them so why should he feel any less pain? Stupid if you ask me.

I can't believe that they would suggest you take the bubs on holiday but I do think it can be a big help to take photos and hold the baby, ect; but I have no first hand knowledge so maybe I'm just talking rubbish. I looked after a little boy who died when he was 10 months old due to a congenital birth defect. I had been with him since he was 6 weeks old and I was an absolute mess, but I never in a million years could, still can't imagine the impact his death had on his beloved parents. In the end, unfortunately it led to them divorcing, I just think it was too much for them.

I only gave birth to one baby in hospital and though it wasn't a "bad" experience, it wasn't how I'd envisioned giving birth. The treatment was fine and they were really helpful and supportive, I just didn't want to do it again for my second child.

Christina


Girlbunny, I am so sorry for your loss, I won't even pretend to know what you must have gone through, to lose a child must be devastating to you and your husband - ALL your family! Plus with the added insult of the way in which the death and surrounding circumstances were dealt with are appauling. I am so sorry that in this day and age people are so quick to pigeon hole and attack others personal feelings; it is your right as a grieving mum and dad to do what it right for you; tears, taking baby home for a couple of days, photos - whatever you need to help start some kind of healing/grieving processes. It is unfair for others to judge based upon how they perceive you should feel.
I am so sorry... I don't have any other words that would even come close.......
Much love to you and your family!

Wear your baby out!!!

Posted by: Sarah_****Ugh!!! Why is so much focused on the birth itself? You go to have a baby, not a beautiful birthing experience you can share with your nearest and dearest. And if you disagree and say it is about your experience, then please forgive me, but its not always just about you! Honestly, your babies aren't going to grow up and say how disappointed they were that they weren't "gently birthed" into the world. They don't give a $hit!


They may not "give a ****" as you put it, but how a woman gives birth CAN impact on how she parents. Maybe it shouldn't be that way but I have heard time and time again women saying that they couldn't bond with their babies because they had a very traumatic birth experience. I am all for minimising this, so if a woman feels that she had a beautiful experience maybe she will bond/not suffer from PND. I never for one minute thought my birth experience was just about me, I want what is best for my boys so in that vein, what is good for me is good for them. Would having a mum who felt they couldn't love them because she had every intervention under the sun that she did NOT want be good for them? Now I'm not saying that every woman who has had interventions feels that way, but some do. Yes, birth is a small part of the whole parenting picture, but every woman is different and deals with this differently. Should girlbunny have been told it was her fault that her son was still born because she didn't cry? I sure hope not, because it certainly wasn't her fault, sometimes things just happen.

You guys are the ones with the hang ups and you are pushing them onto to everyone else. If you can't handle a bad experience in a hospital without becoming post natally depressed or whatever, then how and the hell are you going to deal with the real problems in life?


Where in this post where we "pushing our hangups" onto anyone else? Kandied Heart posted a message about why she didn't want to give birth in a hospital, which then turned into, as far as I could tell, why she shouldn't be afraid and should just suck it up and do it. I supported her RIGHT to give birth how and where she chose, didn't try and "talk her round" to a homebirth that she didn't want. I don't think she stated anywhere in her post that she wanted one, just that she didn't want to give birth in a regular hospital instead of a birth unit.

Do you know anything about post natal depression and why it occurs? Just because a woman has PND doesn't mean she can't cope with life, just that she his having problems adjusting to parenthood. This quote indicates that birth trauma can be a risk factor for PND so in my not so humble opinion the better experience you have, the less likely you are to suffer from PND.

" Risk factors related to the birth

* Birth complications, such as caesarean delivery.
* The birth did not live up to expectations (e.g. birth in hospital or with intervention when the woman wanted a home or natural birth).
* Birth of a brain-damaged or ill baby."


Stop carrying your grudges and enjoy what you have to be thankful for in this world. Perhaps if you took the focus off yourself for a while, you will actually get to experience how truly great life can be!


I experience how great life can be everyday, my hospital birth with ds1 wasn't bad, just not what I wanted. I had no problems bonding with him and didn't suffer from PND. I gave birth to ds2 how I wanted and no I don't love him more or feel that he had a better entry into this world.....just a different one. The focus has always been and will always be what is best for my children and part of being a mother is doing things for yourself sometimes. It doesn't make you selfish, just a happier mum, and at the end of the day, that is what is best for my boys. I am thankful everyday that I have 2 beautiful, happy, healthy boys; I am also thankful that I had good experiences giving birth to them.

Christina
[Edited on 18/02/2008 by Huggies Moderator]


*Applause*

What Jamesmum2003 said! smile


I did suffer PND because of my birth experience and couldn't bond with my prem baby - your lack of understanding and empathy SarahF is very disappointing from a mum who I assume is on this site to inform and support other mums.
Maybe you didn't mind your hospital experience and having induction or csect or drugs or whatever - Good for you!!! But don't put down others who don't want this and suffer emotional and physically from it.

Wear your baby out!!!

I can empathise completely with all of your situations that left you feeling down, cheated or what have you about your birth. In fact I felt my first labour was horrific (for me) and my 3rd child nearly died himself and suffered greatly with heart problems, loss of a kidney and about another 15 things as well. Now I could have very easily fallen into a depressive state, but my children are a much bigger force then my emotional inadequacies could ever be, so as a woman and a mother, there are no excuses as far as I am concerned. Step up to the plate and do your job! Leave your baggage at the door. Why should your children suffer, because you couldn't handle their birth?
I only pray that you or your family never fall victim to the horrific condition that is postnatal depression or PTSD or anything alike.... words fail me infact.... I am sitting here shaking my head trying so hard to understand where you are coming from.... it really baffles me that women/mothers in 2008 are not supportive or acknowledge the severity of such conditions; even if they don't have these conditions that they have attitudes such as your "leave your baggage at the door" - I just can comprehend it sorry...

Wear your baby out!!!

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