I know how it feels to let it all out, to feel what many are feeling at the moment after having a miscarriage and I thought my story might give hope to others who have suffered as I have....

In 2001 I met my now husband on a online game we got married on March 6th 2004 and had talked about having children together.... I already had a son from a previous relationship and had no problem with that pregnancy and at the time was using the pregnancy chip.... a week after our wedding I had the chip removed and we took the journey of trying for a baby.

4 months after getting married I was over joyed to find that I was pregnant and all seemed perfect, we told our family and my son who was 8 years old and he was so happy as he always wanted a brother or sister...... I booked in to the health clinic and at 14 weeks was meant to see them for my first appointment and I was feeling fine, no morning sickness, just sore breasts and a want for oranges ( which I hate). At 12 weeks I remember feeling over joyed knowing I was out of the bad stage and then on the 17th of October 2004 it all started.

I went to the toilet and found 1 single pink spot, In a panic I phoned the hospital they told me to come in if It got worse... I was also told to rest up which I did..... the next day I woke to small cramps and feeling so tired so I went back to bed and slept until lunch time.....I remember waking out of a dream that at first was so happy yet I woke in a panic and i had to run to the toilet I wanted to be sick and then I passed a huge clot .... I remember finding my self on the floor my husband standing over me and feeling very dizzy all around me was blood. I was taken by ambulence in allot of pain to Flinders Medical centre and I remember looking at the time it was 1pm .... I passed more clots and bled more and I didnt get seen until 4pm by then all ultrasound people had gone home and being a sunday they couldnt do much and couldnt see much due to the bleeding.... I was sent home without knowing if my baby was alive or dead and told to take panadole for the pain and come back thursday if I hadnt stopped bleeding....

That week was the longest week of my life full of pain, sorrow, guilt, anger,worry and the unknowing I staid in bed and the bleeding didnt stop..... We traveled by bus to flinders and made a stop at Noarlunga centre for a toilet run before catching the next bus and I passed my baby..... we then traveled on to Flinders and I was given a ultrasound It was totally clear... looking up at that screen to see nothing was so painful and when I saw the doctor they said I looked all ok and that they couldnt say why i miscarried until I had 3...

It took a year to get over the loss of my baby it didnt help that my cousin gave birth to a little boy on the day mine was due.... just seeing babies would send me into tears and though i learnt how to deal with the people that asked me why and the Im so sorry comments it hurt so badly that at times I wanted to lock my self inside away from people.... my son was also very upset and seeing him cry was so hard because I to wanted to cry but I had to look strong for him and tell him that all was ok that one day it would happen.

A year later on the 18th of October I found out i was pregnant again.... it was like a dream but a bad one I didnt want it , from the very start It didnt feel right ... at 3 weeks my doctor sent me for a ultrasound we saw the egg sac and they were pretty happy but a week later I started bleeding again..... I remember just wanting to get it over with the blood tests I had over and over and all seemed fine then my levals dropped and at 6 weeks I had another ultrasound to find just the egg sac no yolk .... they said it was to early and to come back in 2 weeks ... I went on long walks to think and I kept telling my self off for feeling so negative but the day before my ultrasound I passed the sac and the doctors noticed on my ovaries I had 3 big cysts.... they told me again they could not tell me why it happened so I went home and again had to get on with it.....

I didnt let it go inside I was torn 3 doctors told me they couldnt tell me or run tests of why it was happening and it made me angry I remember feeling so empty I couldnt cry any more I had cried to long and to hard...... I then saw the doctor that had brought me into world 28 years earlier he ran a doctors surgery and told me he would run hormone tests as he knew my mothers problems with pregnancy ect.

Test after test was run all were clear and then he noticed the cysts , he sent me for a ultrasound and I had more and he asked questions on how my periods were some weeks they were on time 2nd of every month some times lasting 7 days somtimes 1 day or 2..... I was then diagnosed with PCOS.... I started a low GI diet and was put on diaformin and I fealt normal for the first time..... my periods became regular, i had more energy, i lost 20kgs and I fealt so good..... 4 months later I fell pregnant again !

This time I had a ultrasound at 6 weeks and I saw a baby with a heartbeat I fealt overjoyed and so relieved and happy..... my pregnancy was fantastic the only bad part was I spent 4 weeks in hospital as I had a asthma attack at 30 weeks..... my iron also dropped to fast and my son dropped very early ..... on the 23rd Dec 2006 I gave birth to a healthy though 3 week early baby boy which we called Joel he was 5 pounds 11 and It really was the best xmas pressy I could ever have....

Though I did suffer 2 miscarriages I didnt give up I always knew one day it would happen I believe it did make me feel stronger though I worried and still worry today......

I am also pregnant again 20 weeks this time and though this one was unexpected and I was surprised I feel really good about it though this time im daunted with morning sickness, headaches galore as well as looking after my 9 month old.... I am due Feb 17th 2008 and this time I didnt need help falling pregnant it happened while breastfeeding! and I hadnt even had a period since having Joel....

I am blessed to have the 2 beautiful boys I have.... I will always wonder what my other children would of been and i even shed a small tear while writing this It surprises me that even now memories can bring pain though I look at Joel and smile...... A miscarriage can be the most painful experience that no one really understands unless they have gone through it but you can and will get over it... but you will never forget and I will never forget.... also remember never compare one pregnancy to the other yes you will be worried about every thing that happens i still do today every ache every pain makes me worried and dont feel bad for asking for help......

You can see pics of my boys on my site at Heartsdesires Dolls