Hi
I also know how you are feeling. I lost my 3rd child a boy 2 weeks ago and he was only 7 days old. He had a rare medical condition that was only diagnosed the night he died. He had had it since birth but was misdiagnosed as they said it could happen.
Jaxon had a condition called Ammonia where the toxins in the urine weren't being rid off and the toxins were being built up over the 7 days until it eventually made him clinically brain dead. He was on the ventilator the last day and due to his eyes already being non-responsive we made the decision to turn the machines off. It was a real hard decision to make but we did, we held him whilst it was being done and it didnt' take long for him to pass.
I've had a few blue days myself and we have already put the cot etc away which has helped me alot. I don't have to walk in my room now and see the cot and start crying. I can walk in and not have to cry. We only had the last lot of family leave over the weekend and to be honest we are glad we are finally alone with our other 2 children. We loved having the family here but we were getting sick of not being about to spend 10 mins alone etc.
Anyway I just thought I'd send you my prayers and thoughts etc and I know how you feel.
Allison