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I feel so guilty and angry Lock Rss

Hi all,

We lost our precious 2nd baby girl 7wks ago thru stillbirth and her cord was wrapped round her neck twice so tight it starved her brain of oxygen. i blame myself all the time and i feel guilty and angry that i want to do something stupid to myself. I can't really talk to anyone about it as i don't know what to say.

I wish there was someone i could talk to
Hi antbec,

Sorry for your loss sweetie. I can totally relate to your feelings of guilt and anger.
I delivered my little angel and her twin at 33weeks. My little girl Rhiarna stopped breathing within the previous 2 weeks, sometime between my visits.

After an autopsy it was revealed "fetomaternal transfusion" was the cause of her death. Feto-Mat transfusion is simular to Twin to twin however in my case it was fetus to mother... I had feelings of guilt because it was me that took my little girls life, I took all her blood and she basically bled to death there was no blood found in her little body during the autopsy and over 200ml was found in my circulation after she was born.

The feelings of guilt were very strong for a good 6-12 mths afterwards however 3 years on there are days where I feel so ashamed and guilty that I couldn't be a good mum and keep her safe. It was all my fault...

This feeling of blame made me think of doing harm too however I had her twin to look after, he needed me. Had I not had Luke to care for who know's how things might of turned out. He was my saviour during a very emotional rollercoaster.

As for having someone to talk to, we are here for you sweetie, anytime you need to chat we are here.

Joey.
Mum to twins Luke 3yrs & ~Rhiarna~ my angel in heaven....and bubba Ryan 5mths.

Luke & ~Rhiarna~ 13.05.04 & Ryan 26.03.07

O my god antbec, I am so sorry for your loss.
I can't say I know what your going through but my thoughts are with you, My little girl was born by CSection on the 15th Aug with the cord wrapped twice around her neck as well, she was very lucky.
The girls on this forum are amazing, if you feel low like you do just jump on and chat anytime of the day or night, you can talk to anyone here! They are helping me deal with losing my husband while I was pregnant.
I have been where your mind is at the moment, it is scarey! I still go back there sometimes then i talk to these girls on here and feel better.
I know everyone says it but "One day at a time" is the best advice I can give at the moment, when you feel out of control seems to be when you think of the "could haves" try not to its just too painful (easier said than done) I hope it helps
My thoughts are with you
Clare xxoo

..
[Edited on 29/08/2007]

Antbec

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 2nd daughter 3 weeks ago, and I am still waiting to find out why. But I think its important to remember to try not to blame yourself, Cause Its not something that you, or anyone else, was in control of. And I know that its hard not to blame yourself - I am going through that to, thinking about all the things I did and wondering if that had any effect on the baby, if that's why Rori died.

I have also been through a stage in my life where I was cutting myself and other self-harming behaviours, so I understand what it feels like to want to do that. But you need to remember all the people that love you, cause they'd all miss you so much!

As the other girls said, just come on here to chat whenever you want, we are all here to support each other, its true, the girls (sorry, ladies!) are so good. So come on here and spill your heart out whenever you want.

Maybe you could tell us about your precious angel... would that help? For me I find talking about Rori helps me feel a bit better, when I remember how beautiful and perfect she looked.

I hope you are feeling better soon.
Big Hugs
Emma

Ava May 18/11/05 & Rori Elaine (stillborn) 6/8/07

Antbec
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.Please come here whenever you need to chat as (unfortunately)there are many of us that have had similar experiences.
I lost my second born son last year, he was still born at 39 weeks and we never found a reason as to why.
Take care of yourself mate
You know where to find us.

Thanks for your replies,
One thing that i miss about Lily is that she was the spitting image of her older sister when she was born, even the hair was the same colour! I'm sure that she would have been a beautiful little girl.
We did get an autopsy done but it confirmed what we thought happened. Hopefully when the specialist keeps an eye on me next time (tho i'm in no hurry) they can prevent it happening again.
it happen to my sister on the 3rd of june this year at 39 weeks.she has her son to keep her busy.her daughter name is Tiana and not a day gose by without thinking of her.leah has a mother and daughter necklace Tiana has half and Leah has the other.my sister finds it helps a bit to talk to people that it has happened to can you talk to your husband or have a close friend.we have a big family we are all there for leah but some times you like to be by yourself.leah feel she wish she had a sign like bleeding or something so she could of went in labour.because she was perfect.she even had leahs toe that is bent.i hope you can talk to someone and dont carry this on your own.my thoughts are with you.
Hi Antbec,

I'm so very sorry that you lost your little girl. I hope you find as much love and support on here that I have. The feelings you are having are totally normal, I think anyway. I felt very guilty when our little girl died, and even now, there is still guilt there. There is only so much we can do as mum's to keep our bubba's safe before they are born... even after they are born. If you could turn back time (wishful thinking I know) but if you could, what could you do differently? Is there anyway you could change the outcome?

How are your family going with it all? Are you able to talk with your DH about it all? or your family?

When I read what you wrote about wanting to do something to yourself... I wanted to jump down the phone line and give you a big hug. It might seem like the way out of all this pain, but it isn't. You have your little family to look after. DD1 still needs her mummy. I hope these feelings have reduced and you feel like you are in a better position to deal with your feelings after talking on here with some of the girls. We Can't take the pain away, but we can help carry the burden.

I am so sorry for your loss, I cant imagine how you must feel. Also I am sorry to hear the stories from all you other ladies about loosing babies.
Antbec, you cant blame yourself for what has happened, its just something which you have no control over unfortunatley. I understand that you probably have thoughts going through your mind like "what if I did this differently". Dont feel guilty because there is nothing you could have done differently or changed, you did everything right.
Were you given any type of councelling after the loss of your child? It sounds like you really need to chat and get it all out of your system. There are also heaps of support groups out there where you can talk to other mothers who have experienced the same thing. Unfortunatley life goes on and I am sure your little girl would want nothing more than for you to carry on with your life and be happy. She will never be forgotten and I am sure she knows that. Please take good care of yourself and dont keep all your feelings to yourself, it's the worse thing you could do.
Hi antbec,
I dont know what to say... I cant say I know what your going through because I dont. My freind lost her little boy Sam,
she was 36 weeks pregnant just had her dr appointment then a few days later she couldnt feel him moving so she went back
and he was gone. They still dont know how or why this happened. My heart goes out to you smile

I am feeling a lot better today, we have decided to move our older DD to the room next to us and move the baby room to the front room where DD is now, it is a bit sad tho as i have had to put some stuff away like some teddy bears and clothes, even had to put the carseat away and the bouncer and rocker. Its all gone into the wardrobe till we need it again.
I had another blue day yesterday so all i could do was sulk and be mean to everyone here at home.
Thank you for all your support
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