so angry

i didnt know where to write this

i just feel SO angry. I think it's so unfair that i didnt even get to enjoy this baby. I felt pregnant and was enjoying it and then all of a sudden it was taken away for no reason. I partly blame myself for not doing what i was supposed to be doing. If i knew it wasn't my period but a m/c i would of stopped and gone to bed and prayed to god to help it stay in there instead of taking painkillers for the cramps.

I just want to stop and be happy for 5mins without the pain so i can try and laugh and play with cohen but i just cant. The cramps are a constant reminder of whats happening.

I knew the bleeding was heavier and it hurt but it just didnt click... the clots... im so angry at myself.
i just need to scream and cry and yell but no one knows except some of my close family so i have to try and act normal around will's family so they just dont think im being grumpy. it hurts so much and today i feel invisible and outspoken
[Edited on 09/08/2007]

Denae, I am so sorry, you didn't know you were pregnant so you couldn't have stopped it. I know from experience that it doesn't help at the moment but it is true.
Once wils family is gone scream, cry and get angry if you need to, grieve for your beautiful little baby as much as you need to, it is the hardest thing to go through and if there is one thing I can say is let it all out if you need to don't bottle things up like I did.
If you ever need to chat or vent just messgae me.
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.
Jess

Hi there Denae,
First of all hon, You did not do a thing wrong pain killers are fine to talk whist pregnant I take pandaol everyday and asprin the Obs have told me this is fine. Second of all you (as much as we like to think we can) could have stoped the M/C belive me I layed in bed for 10 weeks and still lost my little angle who was due on the 4th of this mth. It is the hardest thing for a woman to go though not many men understand and hardly anyone understands at all, I had My MIL tell me look at what I have (I have a DD who is now 2) how ever I lost the other part of my family. I can totaly understand where you are comming from I have just started to come to terms of what happened I also lost one before the one that was due on the 4th I lost that one a year ago and the due dates come around so fast it is hard and all i could think about what to get pregnant again I am pregnant now thank godness this is my 7th pregnancy I have had 5m/c all up and I have my dd. they fially found the reason why I am M/C how ever I never relex, I think it is all about being a good mum.

Time are hard and when we feel all alone rember that our babies are closer then we think they are in our hearts where they never will feel pain and always feel our love and please rember that you did not do a thing wrong

best wishes
and heaps of hugs
Nikki

Denae
So sorry to hear what you have just gone through. You didnt do anything wrong at all, painkillers are fine to take. Hope you come right soon.

denae, please dont be angry at yourself. a m/c is not something you can control once its starts it cant be stopped, so nothing you could have done would have saved your bub. im so so so sorry you find yourself here. i was so hopeful for you yesterday. im here to chat if you need to.

im so glad you girls are here to talk to... no one of my friends or family really get it (well they dont really know). My sister is a great support though.

I suppose all these feelings are normal? Why do i feel guilty for smiling??? it makes me feel worse.

do i really have to wait to ttc? or is one cycle okay?

Oh Denae it is perfectly normal the way you are feeling, I felt just the same and it really does take time to get over these feelings, I lost a baby in 2003 and I still get upset on each anniversary of when I lost this baby and when the baby would have been due which was actually yesterday so I had my cry yesterday.
It really helps to talk about it, if you dont' have any friends/family that have been through a miscarriage then I reckon here would be a great place to chat as many members on here have been through the same. I had a friend that had not long had a miscarriage before me and she had experienced one before so she was a great help.
But I use to feel all the same things - Was it something I done to cause the M/C, Why Me etc etc and I then use to get really upset seeing other people around pregnant. But it does get better it just takes time.
It is fine to try again after a normal cycle again, my obs told me once I got my AF back we could then try again but I did give myself time as that how I felt and we didn't try again for a couple of months then I ended up falling with another baby just 2 days before I would have been due to have the baby I lost, so now I look at my 3yr old son and think well I just wouldn't have him if I was to have the other baby that I had lost if that makes sense.
Anyway cry all you want and give yourself time. Big Hugs to youxxxx

haley j, i know what you mean. i wouldnt have either of my boys if i hadnt miscarried my babies, so for that im actualy greatful.
denae, like haley said you can try once you have a cycle, but please dont be upset if you dont fall right away, my doc said after my first m/c that your body will get pregnant when its ready.
its ok to smile, you have a beautiful little baby boy to smile for.
[Edited on 10/08/2007]

Denae
Im so sorry to hear of your loss and I know there are no words to ease your pain.There are a wonderful group of women here that will offer you so much support and be here for you.
When you feel that your loss is too hard to bear look into the eyes of your beautiful baby boy who is so full of love for you. I think our DS was the main thing that got us through.
Cry, yell do whatever you need to do to get the pain out,dont hold it in mate.

I am so sorry for your loss.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jody

Hi Denae,
Hope you are starting to feel better (physically). I know what you meant about people not understanding, thats why I have found the lovely ladies on here really helpful.
Try not to be hard on people for saying the wrong thing, they can seem so insensitive at times but they just dont understand how it feels. Have you told any of wils family yet?
Its hard because I found I wanted to talk about it but it made people too uncomfortable so I found it easier on here you don't have to do it face to face.
I was told about trying again that it is fine to start as soon as your ready and I know alwaysawake on here fell pregnant straight after some of her M/C without problems. I took the pill for a month after to give myself some time, then it took a couple of months to conceive, I found that hard as I desperately wanted to be pregnant but obviously my body just wasn't ready for it.
Hope everything is slowly getting better for you, I know it doesn't feel like it now but it really does get easier, you will never forget but it will get easier.
Also try not to give in to the guilt, I have found that the hardest, thinking of all the things I could have done to stop it, but the reality is I couldn't.
Sending a big hug your way.
Jess

Hi Jess

Im starting to feel better. I had a good day yesterday. My bridesmaids took my mind off things for a little while at my hair and make up trial which helped a lot. Felt a bit guilty for having a good time.

I do desperately want to be pregnant again but i also don't want to feel like i'm replacing what i lost so soon.

We haven't told Will's family yet. I'm not sure if we are going to. I don't want to sit there and not even seem to care at all because that will hurt even more. I don't want to hear "oh it's probably for the best" or "it just wasn't meant to be".

but other then that i think im doing ok. I still have cramps which is frustrating and i get another blood test next week to make sure my levels has gone down. In a way i keep holding on thinking maybe they go up buti know thats not going to happen