What NOT to say to a woman who's just had a miscarriage

Losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy is devastating and still so many women don't talk about it. Miscarriage is such a highly upsetting event and yet so few people know how to act around someone who has had a miscarriage. From my experience, there are definite dos and don'ts of what to say and what not to say. The best thing you can do if a friend has had a miscarriage is to give her a big hug and listen to her. Most of all don't try saying any of the following:

1. “At least you know you can get pregnant”

At the time of a pregnancy loss, this provides no comfort for the mother. So many people said this to me and I just felt like ‘wow lucky me, I can get pregnant! I can’t keep it growing inside me but I can get pregnant’. It makes you feel like you have failed in some way....so just don't say it...

2. “It is really common, it happens to lots of women”

If someone loses a parent or an older child you don't say "It's really common it happens to lots of people." Recognise that your friend (or partner's) loss is her unique loss. Comparing her to the masses is not going to give her any comfort. Just tell her you know how sad she must feel and listen to her.

3. “It was only early in the pregnancy, it’s not like you lost a child”

Not to the mother who lost the child! From the moment she heard she was pregnant she has started a relationship with that child...she's started dreaming about it, thinking about names and all the cute cloths she will buy it....

4. “You can try again one day”

Like the piece of advice above, whenever people would say this to me, I couldn't even think about another baby, I just wanted the one that had been inside of me - that was the one with whom I'd started a relationship with....

If you've been through a miscarriage, it would be helpful to hear if you have any positive words of advice on how your friends and loved ones can interact with you during this difficult time...we'd love to hear from you!

My mums comment

"It wasn't meant to be"

I wanted to punch her in the face. She was upset for me I understand that but I didn't need to hear the comment.
Then today she told me to stop gardening because I could still be pregnant. Which I think to my dads horror at my reply I said. With the amount of blood and stuff I've had in the last 12 hours it isn't possible. So just stop!

So very sorry for your loss. I've been there and in retrospect you can see that family and close friends say these things because they want you to stop hurting emotionally, but at the time, yes of course you feel angry that they said these things. The friend who just held the space with me and hugged me without saying anything other than "I'm so sorry" was the one that helped me the most I think. Sending you positive vibes...

Hey, sometimes people are so mean. Honestly, they dont even say a word of comfort for you. It really hurts when they show sympathy but they dont mean it. Their words never comfort your soul. I have lost my 3 unborn babies and one after its birth. After a year doctor asked me I should not try to conceive otherwise it would risk my life. It was hurting me. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to feel the baby inside me but that's the fate. In the end, only my husband and my family were with me, No one else was. I chose surrogacy for me, I wanted a baby at any cost. I am happy that I made a right decision. I am happy with my family now. I am happy that I chose a right place for to for surrogacy. I really appreciate those woman who chooses to be a surrogate just to make someone happy. My husband loves me a lot and he agreed to my decision of surrogacy.

Hello. This is such a helpful post. Some people say some really insensitive things to people who have just had a miscarriage. It is really not cool. I have never had a miscarriage. But I can imagine what they must be feeling. more people need to see this post. Thank you for this.

Wow, this was really helpful. Even I ended telling this lady that is at least fertile. I feel so bad now. I realize it was insensitive. I'm glad you shared this here. I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings like that again. Miscarriages are just really sad and unfair.