Terrified of what is to come

Hi there,
I am currently 12w pregnant with my second pregnancy, I lost my first baby at 19w 3d in May 2015 it was a missed miscarriage so I had no idea until I went for my 19w ultrasound which is when they told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat. That was also the first time I had seen my baby in human form on a ultrasound. This time around I have moved city's, the doctor I have down here in BNE is wonderful and the treatment I am receiving is outstanding compared to my horrific experience in Toowoomba. I have had a previous ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything seemed to be fine, heart rate was good and seemed to be growing fine, a week ahead actually but I can't help but freak out every time I have to go for a ultrasound.

I am due for my 12w nuchal scan tomorrow morning and am not coping very well, I am so scared of what will happen and what I will see or won't see. I have had a bit of a sore belly for the past few weeks but I'm not sure if that's because I have two cysts on my left ovary or because of something else, I also don't seem to be showing much at all and I can no longer feel my uterus when I lay down. I am so anxious and depressed about losing another baby that I'm finding it hard to enjoy being pregnant and enjoy the miracle of a ultrasound.

I don't deal with things very well, I currently live with my partner and his parents which I'm really struggling with, I feel like I can't be sad, alone or upset ever because then they feel like they have to comfort and smother me. I have been alone most of my life as and my mother passed away when I was 8 and my other family is my dad and two brothers who I moved away from when I was 14 so I have always delt with things on my own. I need support but without everyone trying to hug and be close to me, I really don't know what I want. Except for everything to be fine at this ultrasound tomorrow, but then there is the 19w one and the one after that. Will this ever get easier?

Sorry to rant and rave I just find it easier to write than to talk. I like to be alone but I feel like I'm going mental inside my head, I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling in speech so everyone always assumes that I am fine. I know I need to talk to a professional but that's when I'm anxiety kicks in.

I have read so many horror stories lately, is there anyone out there that has a positive story they could share?

Hi, I sort of know what you're going through. Last year my best friend found out she was pregnant with her 3rd child. 2 days later I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I went for my 20wk scan, all good, expecting a boy. 2 days later she went for hers but her baby girl had died sometime in the 2 weeks prior. She was devastated, I was devastated for her but also began reading up on all the things that could possibly go wrong during pregnancy & birth (basically torturing myself). I had a gorgeous healthy boy last November & in January this year, but friend found she was expecting again. She was VERY worried throughout her pregnancy, but didn't let it get the best of her & 2 weeks ago had her little boy.
At the end of the day, it's really hard to not worry about the health & safety of your baby, but maybe you could get one of those fetal doppler to listen to your baby's heartbeat whenever you're especially worried? And I'm glad your doctor is understanding & not dismissing your fears.
Good luck x

have you had your scan today ? hope it went well. i was told by the doctor to expect pain around the 12 week mark as your uterus will be stretching so i think what you are feeling sounds normal. i had a missed miscarriage in june at my dating scan and wasn't prepared for it at all,i felt like everything was going well except for extreme nausea, i have found i am pregnant again now and have my dating scan booked in for oct 16th and feeling anxious everything will be good this time so i know how you are feeling worrying about having another miscarriage. On a positive note having a miscarriage once doesn't mean you are more likely to have another so try keep positive smile

This new doctor seems great at understanding your worries i would deffinatly suggest investing in a doppler it will give you peace of mind when you hear your babbies heart beat but dont forget baby will move alot and it may be difficult to find best thing for you to do is take it 1 day at a time try to relax and enjoy what you have now even if you think you may not have it just enjoy what you know....i have lost 2 babies 1 through miscarriage and the other was an ectopic that ruptured. I was very worried that i wouldnt be able to fall again as i have PCOS and 1 fallopian tube but luckily i am 17w pregnant. Some people will struggle with enjoying the mirical of life after such terrible losses i know i have it has been very difficult to accept what is happening and every change is a worry but i have been telling myself take it one day at a time enjoy what i know and if something bad happens again then i can worry and be upset....i wish you all the best its a scary and hard...if you need space from home go for a walk to the park and just sit there enjoying the nature try not to look at the kids but focus on the sky the air etc....meditaion helps smile Good luck with everything xx smile smile