Just over a week ago (on a Sat) my partner of 2 years announced at 10pm at night that he would be packing up and leaving at 8am the next morning to move to a different city and that we were over. I had no idea he thought things were that bad. I was happy and content in our relationship, and although we had our fair share of problems, I didnt see them as deal breakers. I was also 13 weeks pregnant with our first child together (both of us have one each from previous relationships). I was understandably devastated and felt like Id been run over by a steam roller...it was just so out of the blue for me. So he packed up the next morning and left. I was mostly numb that day, cried a few times, but held it together most of the day for the sake of my daughter (4).
And then life sucked even more. Monday morning I woke up to the feeling of something trickling down my leg. Panicked and thinking I was bleeding I rushed to the toilet where I gush of clear liquid came. I knew instantly having been through labor before that my membranes had ruptured. A few minutes later a friend came through the door to find me walking around in circles in a lost little daze. She took me to A and E where I started to bleed heavily but it stopped as fast as it had come. The Dr did an ultrasound. My baby was still alive, moving and had a very good heart rate. I was scheduled for an ultrasound later that day so they sent me for that one as well, where they had a bit of a closer look. Again, baby was happy. They told me that I might miscarry but that there was still hope as baby seemed perfectly happy in there, just a bit less fluid to move around in.
The next day I went to see the Early Pregnancy Clinic so they could check on me. Instantly something wasnt right. The Dr took my obs and immediately said, we have to admit you, you have a severe infection and if we dont remove your baby, you will die. Again they did an ultrasound, baby was still alive. I was scheduled for a D and C the next morning and put on IV antibiotics right away.
However by 11pm that night my infection had gotten alot worse and the decision was made to rush me up to theater. I was in alot of pain and they were giving me as much painkiller as they could but I was still hysterical with pain and with the knowledge that I was about to lose my precious baby. I delivered the baby before they got me under anesthetic. It was still alive. I saw it. It tore my heart to peices. All I wanted to do was to hold it and let it know that for the brief few minutes it was alive that it had a Mum and that I loved it, but they wouldnt let me as I had started to hemorrhage really badly and was in danger of bleeding out.
I woke up from surgery 2 hours later in a big cold room with a nurse checking my obs and giving me drugs and not really saying anything. I was all alone. No family or friends to hold my hand and tell me everything was OK. It was the most traumatic experience of my life, and I had no one there to help me through it.
Its been almost a week. Im back at home. My no ex partner is here for a few days helping me out because he knows Im not coping at all with my loss. All I do all day is sit in bed and cry. I feel isolated and alone. And above all else...I feel guilt. There was nothing wrong with my baby. Everything was as it should have been. I did all the right things that you do during pregnancy and in the end my body let my child down. I also feel guilty that I wasnt allowed to hold my tiny wee baby for the few minutes on earth that it lived. I wanted it to know that I was sorry, and that I loved it.
I feel like my whole world has been shattered in the space of days. I know I still have my daughter, and I love her to pieces, but I still havent told her that she will never get to meet the baby sibling that she was so excited about. It tears me to shreds just thinking about what Im going to say to her.
For now the greif and loss that I am suffering is unbearable. Not only am I suffering the pain of losing my baby, Im also suffering the pain of losing the relationship with the only man Ive ever loved. I dont know what to do.
Thats all for now. I hope someone somewhere out there can understand what Im going through. Coz right now, the world seems like such a cold and lonely place for me.