I feel so alone

So Im new to this posting on forums things but I just feel so isolated and alone at the moment I dont know what else to do.

Just over a week ago (on a Sat) my partner of 2 years announced at 10pm at night that he would be packing up and leaving at 8am the next morning to move to a different city and that we were over. I had no idea he thought things were that bad. I was happy and content in our relationship, and although we had our fair share of problems, I didnt see them as deal breakers. I was also 13 weeks pregnant with our first child together (both of us have one each from previous relationships). I was understandably devastated and felt like Id been run over by a steam roller...it was just so out of the blue for me. So he packed up the next morning and left. I was mostly numb that day, cried a few times, but held it together most of the day for the sake of my daughter (4).

And then life sucked even more. Monday morning I woke up to the feeling of something trickling down my leg. Panicked and thinking I was bleeding I rushed to the toilet where I gush of clear liquid came. I knew instantly having been through labor before that my membranes had ruptured. A few minutes later a friend came through the door to find me walking around in circles in a lost little daze. She took me to A and E where I started to bleed heavily but it stopped as fast as it had come. The Dr did an ultrasound. My baby was still alive, moving and had a very good heart rate. I was scheduled for an ultrasound later that day so they sent me for that one as well, where they had a bit of a closer look. Again, baby was happy. They told me that I might miscarry but that there was still hope as baby seemed perfectly happy in there, just a bit less fluid to move around in.

The next day I went to see the Early Pregnancy Clinic so they could check on me. Instantly something wasnt right. The Dr took my obs and immediately said, we have to admit you, you have a severe infection and if we dont remove your baby, you will die. Again they did an ultrasound, baby was still alive. I was scheduled for a D and C the next morning and put on IV antibiotics right away.

However by 11pm that night my infection had gotten alot worse and the decision was made to rush me up to theater. I was in alot of pain and they were giving me as much painkiller as they could but I was still hysterical with pain and with the knowledge that I was about to lose my precious baby. I delivered the baby before they got me under anesthetic. It was still alive. I saw it. It tore my heart to peices. All I wanted to do was to hold it and let it know that for the brief few minutes it was alive that it had a Mum and that I loved it, but they wouldnt let me as I had started to hemorrhage really badly and was in danger of bleeding out.
I woke up from surgery 2 hours later in a big cold room with a nurse checking my obs and giving me drugs and not really saying anything. I was all alone. No family or friends to hold my hand and tell me everything was OK. It was the most traumatic experience of my life, and I had no one there to help me through it.

Its been almost a week. Im back at home. My no ex partner is here for a few days helping me out because he knows Im not coping at all with my loss. All I do all day is sit in bed and cry. I feel isolated and alone. And above all else...I feel guilt. There was nothing wrong with my baby. Everything was as it should have been. I did all the right things that you do during pregnancy and in the end my body let my child down. I also feel guilty that I wasnt allowed to hold my tiny wee baby for the few minutes on earth that it lived. I wanted it to know that I was sorry, and that I loved it.

I feel like my whole world has been shattered in the space of days. I know I still have my daughter, and I love her to pieces, but I still havent told her that she will never get to meet the baby sibling that she was so excited about. It tears me to shreds just thinking about what Im going to say to her.

For now the greif and loss that I am suffering is unbearable. Not only am I suffering the pain of losing my baby, Im also suffering the pain of losing the relationship with the only man Ive ever loved. I dont know what to do.

Thats all for now. I hope someone somewhere out there can understand what Im going through. Coz right now, the world seems like such a cold and lonely place for me.

Hi there, I am so very sorry for your loss sad

What a terrible time for you and for your partner to just up and leave like that is awful, shame on him for not even telling you something was wrong.

I don't really know what to say sorry, do you have any family or friends around that can help you out for these first few weeks? I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through, perhaps you could look at seeing a counsellor, I'm sure it would be helpful if you had someone that is there to listen and it would give you a chance to really clear your head and figure out some ways to cope.

Sending you big hugs and I hope that you pull through and things start getting better for you smile

I am so so sorry!
My heart is just breaking for you as I read this. How awful for your partner to leave you for no apparent reason. Shame on him! And how sad that you have had to go through such a terrible ordeal all alone. I have had two miscarriages this past year, one of them was at 11 weeks, so I do know some of your pain, but to go through it alone would have been so much worse. Do you have any family or friends nearby who could support you?

It's okay to grieve and feel sad and angry, and I know that you can't see it now, but you will smile again. Give your daughter a cuddle. I really hope that things get better for you.
My thoughts are with you smile

That's an awful story and I felt like crying when I read it. having suffered miscarriages myself I know the pain and guilt. I never saw my babies but I lost them suddenly and it felt violent. no control, confusion, worry. added to the pain of a relationship breakdown I can't even fathom your grief. My only advice is that you need to take solace in friends and family who love and care fro you and perhaps seek counselling so you can be strong for your daughter.

I feel sad for the sadness you are going through. Do you have any family or friends that could come and stay with you? Please take time for yourself to grieve for your precious angel. You are not to blame for the loss, sometimes these things happen even when you do all the right things. Hold your precious girl close and share the sad news when you feel ready. Your little girl loves you sooo much and I'm sure she already knows that you are very sad about something.
Big hugs to you and your daughter xxxx

Just want to point out that no Im not sitting in bed all day crying and ignoring my daughter, shes staying with her Dad at the moment.

I guess the other thing that really made it so much worse is that I hadnt even considered the idea that I would miscarry at all. My pregnancy with my daughter was a dream...I didnt even know I was pregnant til I was 25 weeks along. So with this one in my head I had it all worked out that this what what was going to happen and that I would enjoy a relatively smooth pregnancy and have a baby and be just like any other ecstatic mother out there welcoming another addition to her family. Family and friends are trying to help but the only person I want around is my ex partner, hes the only one I feel comfortable opening up to and sharing my pain with...I guess because hes been my main support person and best friend for a very long time.

I'm so sorry for you loss.
Reading this brought back all the feeling we went through when we lost our little girl.
I can't think what it must be like for you as my DP was my rock through everything.
Have you got any close friends that live near you. I think shearing your story with a friend and leaning on someone other then you ex may help a little.
Its now over 3 months since our loss and I still think of it every day.
With time it has got easyer but will never be forgoten.

Wow it brought back so much memories reading your post. I am so sorry for your loss and I can really relate to you.

I was 15weeks pregnant when I misscarried with my first. My partner and I wernt really getting on and he left that night to go out drinking with his friends. I woke up during the night with major pains and I couldnt move, my waters broke in bed and I was home alone. I tried to get a hold of my partner but unbeknown to me then he was passed out at his mates. I had no idea what was happening to me but I do know the pain was unreal.

I rang for an ambulance and got taken to Emergency Dept, I had no-one with me and felt so alone. I gave birth to my baby and I didnt even know it, there was blood everywhere and shook on everyones face, I was clueless. No-ones hand to hold or no comforting faces, I didnt get to see my child either. Luckily a nurse had gotten hold of my parents and partner but ny then it was too late, the worse was over and I felt numb.I then had to have surgery to remove retained placenta. By then I didnt care who was around, I just wanted my baby back.

I know our stories arnt exactly the same but I hope you find some comfort in knowing there are others out there who have similar experiences.

Things will start to get better, slowly but surely you will get through this. I hope you have some good friends to confide in, dont push them away, your child is now in a better place looking down on you, just think of how great it would be when you finally get to meet them. Keep your head up and find comfort in your daughter , know that she needs you and loves you and that loosing your baby is NOT your fault, they just needed more angels in heaven. Just take one day at a time, dont rush into anything, maybe make a memorial or plant a tree so their life is not forgotten and you can see and watch it grow into something beautifull.

Hope I have been of some help, my thoughts are with you at this hard time =)

Just a wee update.

Got taken to the GP today with slight fever. The antibiotics I got sent home from the hospital with were making me really ill and I was throwing them up before I could absorb them so the infection was starting to take hold again. Left with new antibiotics, anti depressants and a refusal for some intensive grief counseling. Hopefully that will make a difference.

I also went with my now ex and babys father and we got a few things and made a nice wee memorial space on my mantlepiece. We got a certificate printed up affirming the life of our baby and I got prints of the only ultrasound photo I got of my wee bundle. We framed them and hung them with some nice candle holders each side and I also brought a teddy bear to sit with them. I also have photos of my daughter each side and the set of her hand and footprints from over the years above it all. I like how BOTH of my precious children now take pride of place in my living room. I hope that it will be enough to have somewhere physical to go and think about my baby until I can get their remains and bring my precious child home.

We also named our baby today. Orion. And something really special happened tonight. We were outside having a wee cuddle (I know, odd seeing as we broke up a week or so ago but hes been very supportive of me since) and looking up at the Orion constellation in the night sky. I was having a wee cry and then the brightest shooting star shot through the constellation. I know people have all sorts of different beliefs but for me it was like my precious baby Orion letting me know that where ever they were, that they were OK and would always be watching over me.

When I am able to bring Orion home I and my ex plan to plant a shrub in a nice pot together and get a wee plaque made.

I am still hurting every day and I still feel like at the moment I cant even breathe sometimes. But the things that I did today and saw tonight have helped a little in making me feel just a little better.