Why is it a Competition?

Why does it feel like I always have to be compared to others, as if soemone is trying to work out that they are worse off than me?

I have a beautiful little girl, who is 17 months old and just recently found out at my 20 week ultrasound that my second had not made it. That was 3 weeks ago and I have gone through the ups and downs of the last three weeks trying to get through the nightmare that has just been. I am in a good head space and am feeling OK about it all and ready to move on.

I don't understand though, why people feel the need to constantly compare my situation to theirs and make me feel sorry for them. Like the fact that I actually got pregnant in the first place should make me feel like it was OK to loose my baby. Creating and building a family is for some a horrible journey and for others, a breeze, full of fun and excitement and I completely understand that. But knowing that I should be now almost 24 weeks pregnant and the fact I am not, leaves me feeling empty. Yet I have friends with fertility issues, who seem to think it is OK to make me feel sorry for them, because at least I have been able to fall pregnant easily. The fact that I have just lost a baby, to them is like a non-event.

I appreciate that I don't know what it is like to TTC month after month for years or more and constantly get let down, but I do know that the journey of building your family can be just as heartbreaking for one person, as it can be for the next.

When I first told these friends about my second pregnancy, I wasn't aware of their fertility issues. Their babies are the same age as mine. I did not know them whilst they were trying to conceive their first and did not know that they were TTC their second. When it had come up in conversation, they always said they were unsure if they wanted more children and how soon they wanted them.

So now that my baby is lost they have told me that it hurt them for me to be pregnant again. I completely understand that and know I would be also, if I were in their situation. Now it seems though, that I can be their friends again, because I am not pregnant anymore. Like because it didn't work out smoothly, I now fit in and can be accepted again by them. But at the same time, I am also made to feel like I am 'better off" because at least I don't have fertility issues (although who knows what my M/C test results will show up).

It feels like it was a bad thing for me to be pregnant in the first place and now it's a good thing that I am not anymore.

Argh, this is just so confusing. Sorry for the rant, just needed to get that out. They really are lovely people and some of my closest friends, it just seems to be such a competition.

Hi Loz80,
gosh I don't know what to say other than i'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I've never had a confirmed mc so cannot imagine but always thought it would be the worst thing and I'm not sure I could handle it.
In saying that - I had a lot of trouble conceiving (am finally pg now at at 33 - 33 weeks and counting for which i've never been so thankful for anything in my entire life) so I know where your friends are coming from. I'd just say that I don't think they see it as competition exactly, more a stuggle for understanding. TTC was the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm a changed person now because of it. Speaking for myself - I felt no-one could know my pain unless they had gone through it. I suspect your friends just felt (rightly or wrongly) that there was no way you could understand their pain. the irony is of course - there's no way they could understand your pain given what you've just gone through. But it sounds like they haven't been very sensitive I must say. Not to say that makes them bad people of course - just perhaps caught up in their own painful process?

i am so very sorry for your loss, no one should ever have to feel the pain your feeling. and your so called friends are not friends at all i am sorry to say, it has taken me and my husband 2.5 yrs ttc this baby but i would never throw that in your face, i understand it is hard to see friends pregnant so easy etc but you lost your baby they have nothing to compare that to. it is the same to when our friends lost there baby to sids i never turned and said at least you got to have a baby, u just dont do that u support each other no matter what and that is what friends do.
once again i am so very sorry for your lose and my heart breaks for you and your family x

First of all, i'm so sorry about your loss!

I personally have never had a confirmed mc so I can only imagine what you have been through and then times it by ten.

I also had not really had trouble conceiving as the longest it has ever taken us is four months. With all others we fell pregnant first time we made it possible. Apart from this pregnancy when we fell first go after I stopped breast feeding DD2. But we had prevoiusly made it possible!

So no I can't really relate to their struggle, however I think that they are being highly selfish and even if they cannont sympathise with you deep down in their hearts, they should atleast pretend to.

You said that they each have another child, so they should be able to atleast imagine what you may be goimg through.
I mean, I think all of us who have ever fallen pregnant have always had that horrible thought of the possibility of something going wrong at some time throughout our pregnancy.

My best friend had trouble conceiving for 5yrs and I was always horrified as to how I was going to tell her each time I fell pregnant. She was always fantastic and only ever happy for me (and everyone else who seemed to be falling pregnant around her), she is just a wonderful lady.

For those of you out there trying to conceive, don't give up hope! She finally fell pregnant after 7 yrs so there is hope! My thoughts are with you all and i'm sorry for your struggle!

Loz80 and all you others out there struggling with loss or trying to conceive, stay strong!

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's an awful thing to go through at any stage of a pregnancy, but at this late stage it's devasting.

I know peoples reactions can be wide and varied, I have had three miscarriages myself. I used to get upset when people told me 'it's natures way', 'it wasn't meant to be', or 'you're lucky you have the one you've got'. But I think it isn't trying to be mean. People just don't know what to say. I heard a lot of other peoples struggles too, and it was more them trying to let me know they kind of understand how I am feeling, not that they are trying to compete with me.

I had a couple of people not even acknowledge that I had had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, but I think again, they just didn't know what to say. I was so angry when I miscarried and I pushed people away, but most people around you really do love you and want to help you. If you really think that they don't have your best interests at heart, then you are better off without people like that in your life.

Look after yourself, and take all the time you need to grieve. There are so many people her that will always be willing to listen if you need to get things out.

oh gosh, hugs, hugs and hugs XXX i personally havnt had a confirmed mc but we did lose our #2 to SIDS, it hurts and it doesnt matter how old your child is when you lose them, its still a loss. HugsXXX

I am so sorry for your loss, its such a terrible thing to have happened.

Im sorry also, but your friends sound a little selfish, all they should have for you is empathy about what has happened to you, I have experienced both situations I was TTC for a long time and I have also had a mc so I know how it feels for both and all I can say is that when my friends got pregnant I never made them feel bad for conceiving, I may have felt envious( sooo couldnt help it) but thats just natural.

When I had my mc that was sooo hard and I think they really dont know how you feel or they havent tried to put themselves in yr shoes because their is no way they would make you feel that way if they knew what you were feeling, it hurts so much.

Try to look after your self, I wish you much happiness in your future.

Hi Loz,
Sorry I havn't been online much lately.
I have sent you a message on facebook with my email.

One of the hardest things I have found was that some people don't say anything to you about your loss. I know they don't know what to say and don't want to upset me but my baby did exist and it was a masive part of our lives and still is.
I had a real good talk to my best friend last week She is now 19weeks and i would of been 23 weeks now. She knows it's hard for me to see her getting a belly and doing all the things i never did but I don't resent her for it and am happy that things are going well for her. I may cry but don't cut me out on anything I will tell her if it to hard. she is such a good supoort for me.
I Guess what I trying to say is suround yourself with the people that are suportive and will help you through everything. This has helped me alot.

I have started to be Happy!
It is just so nice, I wake up in the morning and set goals for the day. The goals arn't always big but it makes me feel good. Today I went for a run are pruned 2 trees. I am not ready to TTC again but am looking froward to the futrue. It feels nice to smile because I'm Happy not just to make others happy. I still miss my Lilly Lee and always will but have managed to find a way to move forward.

I hope your friend realise that what they are doing is hurting you and they need to pull there heads in.

Sending Hugs your way.
Chat soon.

Hi Ladies and thanks for all your replies and support. One thing I have learnt in the last 3 weeks is that you really just have no idea what people go through. I have often wondered why I have not had any trouble TTC'ing, when so many people I know have. I see their struggle, I do what I can to support and help them. It is unfair, but life is unfair. Just like they don't understand what I am going through, I don't understand what they go through. It is not up to me to judge them for what they say, how they feel and how they react to what has happened to me. I just don't want to be made to feel like my problems are insignificant in comparison to theirs. Or that what has happened is OK, because I'll just be able to have another one.

Sammie, I just jumped on fb quickly and had no pm from you there, did you send it to the right person?

I hope to TTC again soon, after the doctors give us the all clear, so I suppose good luck to me and to all of you.

So sorry for your loss. I know it would be heartbreaking.

I have found that many people out their are very selfish and always have to better everybody despite whether it is about happiness or sorrow, they always have to be the center of attention and be one up on you.

Since when in life did you have to get someones permission for having a child and ever had to consider their opinions about it. This kind of thing annoys me.

I hope you can heal from this loss and try to block these toxic people from your life. You dont need to answer to anybody.

Big hugs XX

I am truly sorry for what you have been through. I cannot imagine how traumatic it would be to lose a baby, especially so far into the pregnancy.
Friends should never try to compare emotional pain, just support each other through it. Struggling to conceive is the hardest thing that's ever happened in their lives, and losing your baby is the hardest thing for you. You shouldn't be "measuring" pain or grief.
If these friends are parents themselves surely they can understand how heartbreaking this must be for you?
It sounds like you might have meet them through a coffee group or Mothers/antenatal type group? If so, aren't you meant to be there to support each other as parents and help each other through the tough times?
Jealousy can be a vicious thing and sometimes can't be helped. But if they can't put aside their own jealousy in your time of need they are not real friends.
I wish you the very best in getting through this difficult time.
It sounds like you may be better off without "friends" like these xx

Hi Loz. i guess I am gonna come in a bit the third handle here coz i do this to people who get pregnant easy as well. Currently have my cousin on facebook complaining she wants her pregnancy out of her and just had the thought you are SOOOOOO lucky. I think it is a defensive reaction on my part to it all and being diagnosed infertile via specialist etc.I don't think your friends are trying to trivialise your situation i guess they just are trying to say hey you are in a way a lot luckier than us. Sorry if this seems blunt but this is coming from someone on thier side of the fence so to speak and explaining to a degree what it is like. Sorry for your loss as well. .