Guilty

It's been just over 3 years since my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. At our 20 week scan we found out our daughter had severe Spina Bifida and several other complications, from there we were given the option to have a medical termination. Our darling angel daughter was born at 21 weeks gestation after a complicated and heartbreaking labour.
We have been on along journey since then and we have began the healing process(neither of us feel our lives will ever be complete again) and I'm extremely happy to say we recently gave birth to another gorgeous girl. (also have a 7 yo son)Even though we have had to endure this extremely hard life lesson we are very grateful for our 2 living healthy babies.
Initially my focus was just getting through each day and grieving for our baby and then it become about being the healthiest I possibly could to have a healthy baby.
I've been doing extremely well anxiety/depression wise since the birth of our newest baby but just recently the guilt of terminating my 1st daughters life has been consuming me. Knowing that it was my decision to end her life is heartbreaking and causing me so much pain.
Has anyone else been in my position? How did you cope?

I can't say I have been but I cannot read this and not reply to you, big hugs sweetie you did what you in your heart of hearts thought was the best you made a decision that was so tough you thought of your daughters life and the hardship she would face every day.
You obviously loved your angel and wanted what was best for her, I hope in time you can be at ease congrats on your new daughter you are brave to say what you have been threw xxxx

I can't say I have been but I cannot read this and not reply to you, big hugs sweetie you did what you in your heart of hearts thought was the best you made a decision that was so tough you thought of your daughters life and the hardship she would face every day.
You obviously loved your angel and wanted what was best for her, I hope in time you can be at ease congrats on your new daughter you are brave to say what you have been threw xxxx

Hi there, im so sorry for your loss.
I havent been in the position but i know someone who was faced with the same choice. They were told their son had a major heart defect and he would not live more then a few hours and they would be very disturbing.
They made the choice to end the pregnancy as well and she also had a hard labour.
When she spoke to me about it she said she was torn about the choice and it was her mothers words that made them chose to end it when they did. Her words were "you think you love this baby now when he is still inside you, that love will times by a million once he is born, It will be harder with every passing day knowing he will be in pain and you will have to say goodbye after finally getting to say hello"
They decided it was for the best interest of their son to let him go back to the angels early and not prolong his pain.

No words can ever help heal your pain im sorry, but they can begin to heal the open wound. I really hope you find some peace with your heartbreaking choice. As you said you have 2 beautiful healthy children now and that is a blessing.

Sending you big hugs,
Kirsty

I can't say I have been but I cannot read this and not reply to you, big hugs sweetie you did what you in your heart of hearts thought was the best you made a decision that was so tough you thought of your daughters life and the hardship she would face every day.
You obviously loved your angel and wanted what was best for her, I hope in time you can be at ease congrats on your new daughter you are brave to say what you have been threw xxxx

Thank you, I guess also after 3 years it seems like people have forgotten (I'm sure they haven't) or think that we have 'moved on' (I hate that phrase!!!!) So it's nice to hear what you had to say, xo.

I can't say I have been but I cannot read this and not reply to you, big hugs sweetie you did what you in your heart of hearts thought was the best you made a decision that was so tough you thought of your daughters life and the hardship she would face every day.
You obviously loved your angel and wanted what was best for her, I hope in time you can be at ease congrats on your new daughter you are brave to say what you have been threw xxxx

I have to agree with 'love my lil bugs' Big hugs definatly to u & ur husband & family u have made a very hard decision but it sounds like u made the right one for your family, My husband & I discussed these issues when we were pregnant with both of our children that if the bubs had any problems we would terminate as it would be no life 4 the baby & for our family & if something was to happen to either of us we wouldnt want any1 else to have 2 look after them......u will meet ur baby girl again some day xxx

It's been just over 3 years since my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. At our 20 week scan we found out our daughter had severe Spina Bifida and several other complications, from there we were given the option to have a medical termination. Our darling angel daughter was born at 21 weeks gestation after a complicated and heartbreaking labour.
We have been on along journey since then and we have began the healing process(neither of us feel our lives will ever be complete again) and I'm extremely happy to say we recently gave birth to another gorgeous girl. (also have a 7 yo son)Even though we have had to endure this extremely hard life lesson we are very grateful for our 2 living healthy babies.
Initially my focus was just getting through each day and grieving for our baby and then it become about being the healthiest I possibly could to have a healthy baby
I've been doing extremely well anxiety/depression wise since the birth of our newest baby but just recently the guilt of terminating my 1st daughters life has been consuming me. Knowing that it was my decision to end her life is heartbreaking and causing me so much pain.
Has anyone else been in my position? How did you cope?

Hi, i came across you post and thought i might write to you, fist of all i would like express and send my condolances for your loss to you and your family, i could not begin to imagine what it would feel like to make such are hard decsion like this, but i can say i understand and feel every emotion sadness and hurt and pain you feel... recently ealry this year i was come to a shock in my life i was pregnant with my third child a beautiful little angel baby girl, i cant say my baby girl had any problems or medical conditions because this wasnt the case for me,my baby was healthy and fine as far i knew, until one night i went to the hospital for a check up as i was concerned of not feeling any movement it was then in that very moment my world was turned upside down, i was advised by doctors that my beautiful babys faight was made before i even had any idea, she was stillborn my heart broke into a million piece in shock and just thought this was a bad dream.. i was in disbelief... she was born at 28 weeks still born.. the hardest part for me was saying goodbye to her and having to let her go after just being able to spend a few hrs with her. what makes it most difficult, is having no answers as into why this happened?.. it has been a few months since i lost my daughter and i so desperatly miss her and want her back.. and dont feel complete without her here with me and my 2 beautiful healthy chicldren. every day is so hard.. i myself have been trying to get back on track and get my health to what it was, i recently found out i was pregnant just a few weeks ago but sadly i m/c at 6 weeks. i cant say i have been in your exact situation but i can say i feel your pain.. the way i cope eachday is because of my two chilren, they have given me such strength and my beautiful baby girl i lost. unbelievable for such a young age my children have been my rocks their love everyday reminds me why i wanted to become a mother they keep me going even through the hardest of times.

i hope your not offended with my comment now and i hope that you may find some little peace with my comment..i dont think you ended your daughters life, i think you gave her life making a decision to save her from maybe what would be a hard one with medical problems and pain. it doesnt make you a bad person or mother for feeling like this... it makes you human and only shows how strong you really are to be to make such a hard enduring decision.. im a great believer the little girl you lost will come back stronger in your newest edition.. i believe my angel will come back to me again one day when time heals me..

congratulations on the birth of ur recent healthy baby girl.. smile smile

I can't thank you all enough for your replies, each stage of this journey brings along a different emotion to deal with. Being able to hear from mummies of angel babies is comforting. xo

Hi there,

I have been in the exact same situation as you. At 20 weeks pregnant i found out my daughter had major heart defects not conducive with life or having a life if she made it through the many open heart surgeries she would need not to mention needing a new heart by the age of 9 and every 10 years after. Anyway, i waffle on too much.... we chose to have an induced miscarriage and on the 12 January 2010 I gave birth to my beautiful angel Finley.

It took me a very long time of blaming myself, hating god, not believing there could be a god, hating pregnant people i would see doing things like smoking to get to a place of accepting what happened. I went to see a medium and she really really opened my eyes up. She did not know about my dd and it wasn't until half way through the reading she told me a baby was here and did i know she was a girl. I said yes, she told me that my DD wanted me to stop blaming myself because it wasn't allowing her to grow into what she was supposed to be. Apparently children who don't make it are meant for a higher purpose, I was holding her back. She told me that all babies who dont make it know the aren't going to make it, they even know when they're going to pass but still come because they have so much love in them for their parents that they want to love them and be apart of them. She told me all i should feel for her is love as she does for me. And now i do. She also said some really crazy things that no one would ever know and i am now a full believer in what she said. She also told me my daughter is going to be one of the first things i see when i pass and she is with me and my children always. It gives me something to look forward too i guess and i feel a sense of calm about the whole situation now and even smile when i think about her and things she said.

I hope that what i've said hasn't totally freaked you out or anything i just wanted to pass it on in the hope that it gives you some peace too. Many people don't believe in angels however we've held them in our arms, and they are forever with us.

I hope that the sunshine comes out and shines on your face again soon.

Sal
x

Hi. Ive just come on here to read your post, it is a couple of months down the track but i am now going through what you went through. I am 21 weeks pregnant and found out last week that our baby has Spina Bifida and other complications. My hubby and I have had to make the terrible decision to terminate the pregnancy.
Im not really sure how we are coping, we just 'are' at the moment. its a heartbreaking time for anyone to go through and im pleased to read that as time goes on it will get easier, and although we wont forget our angels, i am finding hope in reading your messages.

Hi. Ive just come on here to read your post, it is a couple of months down the track but i am now going through what you went through. I am 21 weeks pregnant and found out last week that our baby has Spina Bifida and other complications. My hubby and I have had to make the terrible decision to terminate the pregnancy.
Im not really sure how we are coping, we just 'are' at the moment. its a heartbreaking time for anyone to go through and im pleased to read that as time goes on it will get easier, and although we wont forget our angels, i am finding hope in reading your messages.

Stass, I"m so so sorry for your loss. Draw strength from your husband - hug him all the time and feel the love as much as you can, it helps, cry when you feel you need to, get angry and don't feel ashamed for it, don't feel you need to be brave, you don't. Do things at your own pace. I wish you with every ounce of my being love, laughter and a healthy baby in your future, nothing will ever make it okay, but the sun will shine on you again.

Sally
x

Stass, I"m so so sorry for your loss. Draw strength from your husband - hug him all the time and feel the love as much as you can, it helps, cry when you feel you need to, get angry and don't feel ashamed for it, don't feel you need to be brave, you don't. Do things at your own pace. I wish you with every ounce of my being love, laughter and a healthy baby in your future, nothing will ever make it okay, but the sun will shine on you again.

Sally
x

Thanks Sally, your words were just beautiful! We had our beautiful girls funeral on Friday (rememberance day) and as hard as it was it was really beautiful and good to say goodbye. I know some days will be harder then others, today being one of those. i guess a few things triggerred me, receiveing her birth certificate in the mail, a friend announcing she was pregnant, and another just having her baby! i guess in time these things will get easier and im just going to take each day as it comes and try and enjoy what we have as a family xx