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What does she know! Lock Rss

I just needed to vent. I was talking to my step mother this morning and she preceeded to tell me that it was wrong to keep our little boy's ashes at home and that "it's just not what you do". What would she know. She has no idea what we are going through and it is no one elses business what we do with them. We haven't decided what to do with them yet but thanks to the support from many of you I now know that there is no reason for me to make a decision until I am ready. I couldn't believe it. It really upset me. This is hard enough without having to be made feel bad about how I am handling things. I feel at ease knowing that the ashes are here with us and that we can scatter them if and when we are ready. Then she started to tell me that because someone else told her that for them having another baby helped that we should be trying again already. She has no idea what I am going through and I don't need to be told how to get through this. I am getting through it because we are doing things when we are ready. Grrrrrr
Your right sweetie what would she know...not being mean but sometimes unless you've walked the same road they don't know what it's like.

Take your time and do what's best for you... you know that anyhow but don't let anyone including your stepmom push you into anything your not ready for.

Having another baby doesn't make it any easier I can vouch for that...it's not the right reason to try again. It' will never be the same, you can't erase the past by changing your future.

Take care mate and remember I'm just a mouse click away. Email anytime ok.

Be gentle on yourself.
Joey

Luke & ~Rhiarna~ 13.05.04 & Ryan 26.03.07

for some people trying again soon may be what helps and scattering the ashes right away may be what others want to do doesnt mean its what you want.
you do things in your own time, only you know how you will cope with this.
this has bought a tear to my eye.. Honestly how on earth does anybody know the right thing to do.. The right thing to do for know , I feel, is to get through each hour, and what progresses from there, whether talking ,crying, doing nothing, sleeping is your and your DH business, who on earth ever put a time limit on this?? Like the OP has said, be gentle on yourself, and let yourself have time to feel all you need. I wonder about other people sometimes, and its usually family that are the worst offenders.. May you soon find peace. xoxo
Thankyou. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, it is just hard enough as it is going through this. I just can't shake it. But am feeling better after talking about it. Thanks again.
i can imagine the rage you felt when you heard this advice coming from someone who has really no idea of what your going through and feeling right now. Im sorry for that.

Only you and your partner know what is right and when is right!

Stay strong - good for you.

]

Hi Sweetie,
You keep them as long as you wish.
My parents lost their 2nd daughter when she was just 2 days old and that was 33 years ago. They still have her ashes at home and when they pass on they wish for their ashes to be joined with hers, so they can be with her finally.
Only you know the right time for things. I hope your MIL lays off and tries to understand that she is not helping.

DD1 July 2004 DD2 August 2007 DS September 2009

Hi there, i think perhaps you should write her a letter explaining how you feel and that you would like it if she didnt say hurtful things to you. Its of no concern to her whatsoever what you do with your little boys ashes.

About scattering them, i dont think i ever could! I would have to keep my baby at home with me, but of course, everyones different and of course, do whatever YOU want, whenever YOU want.

I dont know what you're going through but i can imagine to an extent, and its terrible to think that people can try and tell you what to do. Especially telling you to start trying to have another baby!!

Stand your ground and find a way to tell her to butt out. Then you can grieve without interruption.

Take care xx

I have 3 boys!!!

Hi hunny. I wanted to let you know that i have my daughter's ashes in her container in her room with photos and teddies around them. I am going to keep them in there forever. I want to take my daughter with me if we change house and if we go away on holiday. I lost my daughter during early stage labour on 4th feb last year. I was, and still am devistated. We started to try again straight away, not to replace our daughter, but to have the baby we wanted and needed in our lives. It was a horrible and anxious pregnancy, with my waters breaking at 30wks with so much stress. I ended up keeping her in there until 35wks when I got induced and tried to have a natural labour (our lost one I had to go thru the labour process of knowing that i had a dead baby) I couldnt progress, so ended up having a csection. I couldnt touch my daughter for two days as she was hooked up to tubes in neo natal, but when i got the kangaroo cuddles, it was magic. She is now a thriving 10 month old, and so big you wouldnt know she was a premmie. Now we have just found out that we are pregnant with twins!! Once again i am terrified of this pregnancy of losing one or both of them.
People always say that they understand how you feel, when they dont and that pisses me off!! What would they know unless they have been in the same situation.
I have decided that I am going to write a small book to try help me and others thru the grieving process, so if anybody out there wants me to tell their story I will love to be able to help you out too. I want the book to be available for free thru the hosp and midwives, and if it does go into shops, i want the proceeds to go towards support for families as i dont think there is enough! I would like to hear from the dads too, as my husband is writing his side and how it has affected him. It will be a long process as i am busy with a 10mth old and hope to get it completed by the time the twins are born in 7mths. So if anybody also knows of some lovely free publists that would be great too. Please feel free to email me at kyliewhitaker@ihug.co.nz with info or your story. I would like to put photos in there too and hear of any baby after loss stories to help people thru what they are about to or are going thru.
Thinking of everybody in this situation
All my love xoxoxox
PS. and hunny when you feel ready to, you will know the right moment, place and time of what to do with the ashes. I know of a lady who carries her son, who died of cancer at 8years old, around in a container in her purse. She still has his room set up and has conversations with him as he is always around her. Just like my daughter, her spirit is always around and she always comes to me in dreams smiling.
Im very sorry for your loss lsm. I lost my son at 39 weeks on October 6. We made a small garden for him and placed his ashes in a large 'vase'(this is what we call the urn we got from the funeral directors for my daughters sake) we then put a few items such as a tiny fluffy teddy, a photo of ourselves, my daughter put in a dummy for him and a teething ring. We then sealed it and plced it under ground in the garden. I chose to do this so he was always near us and we could take him if we ever moved house, and we have a nice place to visit outside if we want to go a have a quiet chat, which I find myself doing alot. Someone else suggested placing the ashes inside the arm or body of a cuddly teddy so you can give him a cuddle whenever you like. Whatever you decide you will know when you are ready and try not to let your MIL upset you she obviously has NO IDEA!
PS I have felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders once the garden was finished, you'll know when your time is right thats all I can say
For everyone else whos lost a baby/babies I truely am sorry
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