Hi, my bubs was born at 33wks too, she only weighed 1.75kg so she was pretty small for 33wks, but she was a fighter and breathed on her own from the start. I held most of my emotions in and everyone tells you they will be fine, and yes they will be, but i found myself reaching for my tummy and felt like i was constantly missing something. Also i felt people didnt look at me like i was a mother now, my tummy went instantly flat and i had no baby on my arm.
So my advice, let all your emotions out, if you want to cry, cry, if you want to scream, scream, as 6mths down the track i realised i hadnt come to terms with having a prem. Now shes 8mths, healthy and one chubba bubba that lights up the room. It does get better every day and once bubs is home, a weight will lift of your shoulders and you will enjoy every precious moment you have with your son.
It took me 3 days to hold my bubs, and then the jaundice kicked in, so the moment she was in an open crib, almost 2wks after she was born, i laid back in the chair with her snuggled up to me for the day.
If you have any questions, or want to talk, please msg me.
Totally agree-if you want to cry, go ahead. My bubs wasn't prem, but she refused to breathe after an inital gasp at birth. They worked on her for twenty minutes before taking her up to the NICU on a vent. She was sedated and chilled for 72 hours to minimise/resolve any potential brain damage and we were told it was 50/50 as to whether or not she would have brain damage. Thankfully she is fine and you would never know she had issues at birth-I'm sure your little one is a fighter and he obviously has a Mummy who loves him very much.
No one expects to end up as a NICU parent so it all comes as a shock and you need to work through it in your own way and if that means crying-let it out. It's great that you have had the courage to share your story and ask for help on the forum-it is one of the nice things about having this forum.
I completely understand how bad it feels to go home without your bubs. The day i had to leave, the nurse who informed me didn't seem to care how I felt about leaving bubs behind-to her, I was just a bed that needed clearing. I found it helped to focus on the progress my little one was making as each step she managed was a step towards going home. I had plenty of cries in the NICU and when we finally got out of the NICU and back onto the Maternity ward for a few days, as soon as I was alone, I sat down on the bed and bawled for no apparent reason.
I also found it hard that I couldn't care for my bubs like a normal Mummy-we were told we couldn't even stroke her too much while she was sedated-all we could do is hold her hand because they didn't want to upset the readings on her brain monitor. Ask the nurses for advice on everything that you can do for your little man and focus on the things you can do rather than the things you can't-gradually the can-dos will out number the can'ts.
You will probably have these moments even after bubs is out of the NICU because you may still need time to work through what happened-if need be, jump back on the forum or message one of those that have replied to your thread. Having someone to talk to who understands how you feel really helps. I have talked to other NICU parents and most of them agree that you can't truly understand what it is like to be a NICU parent until you have been one. If things feel like they are getting too much for you, talk to your midwife or someone you trust-soak up all the support you are offered.
Hang in there and remember that you are a wonderful mother even if things didn't start out as expected. You have had a rough time, but things will get better. Cherish each moment with bubs and enjoy each milestone he reaches.
One of my colleagues bubs was born at 33 weeks because his wife developed pre-eclampsia as well and she is thriving at 6 years old-ahead of other kids her age in some ways. My mother's best friend was born 2.5 months early in the middle of Northern Hemisphere winter 76 years ago before there were incubators. The standing joke is that when she was born, she could fit in a shoe box-now she is so tall, her feet are so big she has trouble fitting them in any shoe box.
Prems are known fighters and your little man is going to be just fine. Keep posting to let us know how he is doing. You are a great mum-remember that each tear you've shed is a sign to the world of how much you love your little man and care about him. He is in your heart even when you can't be with him.