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Need to talk to other new mums Lock Rss

I have an 8week old adoreable son. But I'm really struggling to be a mum.
I love my boy more than anything but sometimes I wish he wasn't here. I feel like a terrible mother and that I don't deserve him.
I feel like I've failed him already. My body failed him when I was pregnant as I had pre-eclempsia. I couldn't give birth naturally as he was breach and I was unwell and had to have a caesarean and I feel guilty because of that also. I hate breast feeding and I've had supply issues so I'm feeling him half formula half bf which I feel like another failure on my behalf.
I feel like I've lost my identity and I'm all alone and I feel like my partner doesn't understand what I'm going through as much as I have tried talking to him.
When I take my boy out all my friends comment how much of a natural mother I am. But that don't see me when I'm home alone. Trying to hold myself together from screaming at my child.
I feel so alone and I just want to talk to some other mums who might understand how I'm feeling.
Oh hugs!!! I had a terrible birth experience with my son and remember feeling the exact same way when he was about 2 months old. I felt like although I loved my son, I'd made the worst decision of my life having him. All I can say is it does get better. Everything gets easier, they get more fun and eventually it becomes your new identity.

Make sure you get out of the house frequently. It'll help you regain your sanity from the being at home with a baby the whole time. Even if it's just pushing the pram around the block. Malls are exceptionally easy places to take newborns as most have a parents room for when theres a poo explosion or random screaming, and when they're asleep or happy you can get coffee or lunch. Try and join a mums group or meet up with someone else with a bub the same age... you'll get to see how normal it is to be struggling and get tips from each other.

If you hate breast feeding, it's not the end of the world if you give it up. I'm super pro breastfeeding but I say that knowing it only works if it works for both mum and bub. If it was a struggle and impacting on my mental health, I'd quit. You can't tell which of your adult friends were breast feed and which weren't so ultimately if you're unhappy its not worth it. Just be sure of your decision if you decide to quit as it's hard to go back if you change your mind.

If all else fails and your baby won't stop screaming and you're really struggling, remember it's ok to put your baby in safe place (ie the cot) and walk away for 5 minutes. Drink a cup of water or tea to calm down and then go back fresh to deal with them. It's much better to walk away and come back fresh than it is to break down yourself.

One last thing to think about is how much of the day you're struggling. If you're unhappy from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed, it's probably worth talking to your GP or midwife as they can be a huge help with postnatal depression. It's completely normal to have moments throughout the day where everything seems crap, but if it's all day every day then it might be something more.

Hope this helps

It may help to know that your feelings are really common. We've put together a guide to emotional health after the birth which may help you:

Please make sure to seek out support on the forum and speak to others who've been through what you are currently experiencing.
Hugs smile
Hugs to you hun!

You have not failed your son. Whether you gave birth naturally or cesarean, you still gave birth to your beautiful son. It does not matter how he came into this world.

If you cannot BF your son, turn to formula. They didn't make formula for nothing. I BF my son up until 4 months exclusively and then half formula/BF up until 6 months, now my son is formula fed. Continue with BF if you really want to. It does get easier.

Try get out as much as you can. Walk to the shops if you have to. Joining mum groups are great - even walking groups.

Always stay calm around baby. If you need a little break pop him in the cot. One thing I learnt also, is for yourself to just cry if you need to. Don't let it build, it helps relieve a lot when you just let it all out. You become less grumpy and less stressed.

You will get there mum and it will get easier. Your GP and Health Nurse are always there to talk if you need someone to speak to or need advice.

I second this because I read this and it helped me a lot - 3 years ago

HuggiesModerator wrote:
It may help to know that your feelings are really common. We've put together a guide to emotional health after the birth which may help you:

Please make sure to seek out support on the forum and speak to others who've been through what you are currently experiencing.
Hugs smile
Its more common then you think. My wife struggled and thats why i convinced her to go back to work. If your partner doesnt understand he can maybe give you a break? Try not think of yourself as a failure, because your just being hard on yourself. No one is a natural, and it takes time, learning and practice. So just remember the blessing of having a child and what a beautiful and amazing part of your life this will be, even if you dont feel it right now. Agree with Storm, sign up to mums groups to talk it out when your feeling low. You are NOT a terrible mother! Stay positive, you will get through this! Hope it helps smile
Dnt worry you will not struggle . You are thinking of your baby its the sign of good mother. There are some tips for the new mother and how to make relationship with your new born baby. I have seen a website having parental advise. It is very good.

The nuclear family, as a unit of our social fabric, has experienced a major paradigm shift over the past millennium. Double income families have become the rule and are no longer the exception in the West, with families in emerging economies quickly following suit. As a result, mothers are unable to afford the luxury of full-time mommy hood. Many working mothers are eventually compelled to turn to day care or live in nannies once the beautiful post natal phase is abruptly terminated with the first workplace visit after the baby?s arrival. How are you to bond with your baby in this complex situation? It can be done and we have a few suggestions we wish to share with you :-

Say No to Everything Else

"Easier said than done," we can hear you say. However, no matter how you do the math, there will always be 24 hours in a day. It goes without saying that there will be sacrifices involved. Groceries, on the most part, will have to be purchased online. Your close friends will have to visit you and not the other way around. Your in-laws will have to be more understanding and turned the expectation meter down a few notches. Your partner will have to go beyond the call of duty and chip in big time. After all it isn't just your baby. It's his baby too! If you are a single parent with no help whatsoever, the challenge is slightly more complex. If you have a nephew or a niece out for the summer, invite her to spend the summer with you. You will be able to take a shower in peace while someone watches over the baby. A mere physical presence can reduce your stress levels significantly and work miracles.

Sleep with Your Baby Often

Although medical experts say that babies should sleep in cribs, children in 90% of the world don't sleep in cribs because poor families can't afford them. Consider at least napping with your baby a few times a week if you must adhere to the crib routine. Just smiling at the baby when she is awake and holding the baby's tiny hands in your palm while napping will help you bond with your baby and communicate to her that you are indeed resting within an arm?s length. Dress your baby in a body suit or a zippable baby blanket and do not cover the baby with your comforter. This will help you keep situations related to your baby's breathing at bay.

Hold and Touch your Baby

Establishing an emotional connection and bonding with your baby is no rocket science. Hold your infant as often as you can. Use a baby sling kangaroo style if you have to do the laundry or run around the house to do light house work. Talk to your baby and tell her about the things you are doing. Babies pick up more data from parental conversations that we are willing to admit. In the mid 1950s, a scientist named Harry Harlow conducted bonding experiments with rhesus monkeys and found that baby monkeys preferred care givers who expressed emotion over those who did not even if unresponsive caregiver monkeys brought the baby monkeys more food.

The true key to a life long emotional connection with your baby can be summed up in one word-- consistency. Maintain a regular routine after picking up your baby from day care or relieving your nanny. Many US presidents had working moms and they turned out fine. So will your baby
"I feel like I've lost my identity and I'm all alone and I feel like my partner doesn't understand what I'm going through as much as I have tried talking to him."

YOU just described absolutely everything I went through too. People would mention the "baby blues" and that it would pass but it took me a very long time to get there. My son is 5months and its only now that I feel like I have completely transitioned to motherhood.

There is definitely a grieving period for your old life. Your old way of living. The YOU that you used to know. That is a very real thing. Your a normal mother and ill tell you why - because your experiencing this. THESE very thoughts and feelings is what I now I recognise as being apart of the transition to motherhood. You are transitioning that is what is happening.

Your partner won't understand to the degree that you need them too because it isn't their transition. My husband needed me to lead him as well as adjust to this new life ASWELL as wake up everyday and look after our baby. Im not sure if your in the same position but it was this situation that really brought me down. I sat myself down one night, cried my face off, wrote a letter to my old self and said how much i missed my life before I had a baby, then i decided what to do next.

I was in a position where I had no support other than my husband who needed me to teach him how to be a parent whilst I was also adjusting and learning, so I was basically on my own. So! I looked at daycares around my area. I went and visited them. And I spent time there and I enrolled my 3month old son in the local one for 2 days a week for a 3 hours each day. Yep! He was only 3 months old. BUT guess what?! He absolutely loved it. They worked off of my routine, they would pxt me and show me what he was up to during the time he was there. They would text me and be in contact with me the whole time so I always felt at ease.

You might not need a daycare but you do need a break. Regular breaks. Every mother needs them. Every new mother needs them and more often in the first year. YOU need a few regular moments in your week JUST for you where you can stop and just have a breather. Re-cuperate. Do something for you.

I also said to my husband "EVERY night when you come home it is on you to bath and put our son to bed. I need that if I have been looking after him all day." This worked also because it gave me a clear "clock off" time for that day. And I knew that I could just go away and do something else entirely. Bath time is my son's favourite time of day now. He has little catchups with his Dad and my husband looks forward to it. It has become a new sort of normal. That might help you also if your not doing it already?

If i didn't do introduce these breaks in my life when i did, i swear I would've lost the plot entirely. I was on a fast track to a whole lot of crazy because I felt trapped and suffocated. I hope you feel better soon. Trust me when I say, I know exactly how you feel. And Mum to Mum ... it does get easier and I can't wait for you to wake up one day and go ... I AM SO MUMMING IT TODAY! LOL ... But yes! Try having a break. grin It will do you the world of good.
Hey. It's okay to feel that way. You didn't do this, circumstances just weren't in your favor. Doesn't mean it was all your fault. And you haven't failed him. You are a great mother. Every mother struggles in the start like this. It is totally normal. Just relax and give it some time. I'm sure you will feel better.
Hi there. Hope you're doing fine. I feel so sad about this. Hey, don't feel alone okay? All of us are here with you. It's okay to be stressed about it. It's a new phase in your life. You're going to mess things first to become a pro at it. You're a great mother. Don't ever call yourself a terrible mother. I got my baby through surrogacy because I couldn't conceive and in the initial years, I used to feel like I wasn't even his mother. But then my family and friends told me that I was overthinking. And they were right. So I'd say just try to stay calm. And do whatever you can to keep your baby happy. Tell your partner how you feel and I am sure he'll understand. Best of Luck. Much love.
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