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i really need someone to talk to.. Lock Rss

before anyone asks or tells me, yes i am going to go seek a professional to further help my im anxiety..

to give a quick run down on things, ive got a 2.5 year old from a previous (very bad) relationship. i repartened last August, and i have just given birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful healthy 8lbs 2 oz baby boy called charlie, my other son is called Joshua.

With josh, i had a c section with a general, and i never got that tingly feeling when he attached to me, that initial bonding.. and the hospital topped up with formula as i had no milk, i went home with a breastpump, and due to so much emotional stress, ijust didnt get milk in, and it was easier fo rme to bottle feed, rather then stress over my very little milk supply.

This time around i had another c section,with a spinal this time. so i could get that initial bonding, and hopefully breastfeed. ihad the same prob in hospital, i had little to no milk i think on day 4 i was expressing .5 of a ml.. they wouldnt do top ups, so for days he screamed and screamed, lost more then 10% of his body weight, and became level k2 jaundice. so we had to stay in a few extra days, i was meant to come home day 4. on day 5 a lactation consultant finally came and saw me, and assessed my cracked bleeding nipples, and told me to rest my boobs but try and express, and give charlie formula in a cup for feeds. i developed gastro that day,so didnt express that much out really as i was just so ill.. i went home the next day with the plan to offer boobs if i could, then top up, then express.. i rested them until monday, as they were just too sore.. and i attached him right again..

this is where the trouble started i should of been firm and demanded my partner take mr 2.5 out somewhere for half days, so if i was up bf all night to get my milk in, i didnt have to deal with him too.. hes VERY dependant on me.. instead my partner just sat here on the net, watching tv, he attended to charlie, but josh was just all over the place, not understanding why id gone away for a week, then come home with a baby, all the usual things. i had my mum here which was a great help. but i just couldnt rest, i had so much tod o, was still in pain and exhausted from the endone pain killers they sent me home with. i felt sorry for little josh as all he wanted was some attention, someone to play with him, and mum was rying to leave it to my partner to get off his ass and do something. so i went into defensive mode, and made sure i was doing all i could for josh..

my partners family came down a few times ... theyve always accepted josh but now charlies around.. they gush to him and ignore josh, and pretty much ignore me too in the process.. so i had all this stress and worry.. and didnt see a point in trying to breastfeed when ihad nothing and sit there for over an hour doing so.. i did listen when they said demand = supply. but i just couldnt do it, unless josh was entertained.. i got myself more and more upset over it, and rather then go the doctors to perhaps get pills to increase my milk i just sat and cried all day.. my boobs almost doubled in size in preg,and they became huge on about day 8-9, felt a few small milk duvcts, but the veins were huge and they were really full.. altho i was only expressing 20ml out of right boob and under 10 from the left.. and hed only seem to latch onto left properly, i always had issues with the right.. (the initial problem in hosp was he wasnt on right.. and didnt open his mouth wide enough) but my this stage for some reason id mastered it.. wish someone had of helped me further in hospital, not wait until i was so sore i was in tears..

i didnt recognise that the milk was almost in by the boobs being all veiny.. i was just going by what i was expressing..

now i have only 5ml coming out, and as much as im sitting here complaining and could prob still do something about my breastfeeding, i think im so depressed and anxious those happy hormones that tingle n produce the milk wont come back, he cries now and boobs dont tingle like that did. i feel that initial bonding and the hapy tingling feeling you initially get is gone.. and i dont know how to get it back, now my partners back at work im on my own with the two kids.. and think its too late for me to try bfing, as if im up all night how do i look after josh in the day. im so so so angry with myself for not sticking up for myself, and i worry myself stupid that now im not bfing, his family n him will want to take charlie out places and theyll leave josh and i behind if i dont want to go...
the thing im most disapointed in, is that fact i did have the ability to get milk in this time all the signs were there, i had achieved something big and had been awake for the operation ( im terrified of needles, so the thought of having one in my spine was just too much) so i went into recovery beaming ear to ear, and its been such a let down to get all those wonderful hormone feelings after and due to not alot of support ive not being able to keep that bonding. im going to go and speak to someonea bout it.. and ive tried to talk to my partner, but noone really undertands me.
I am so sorry for you. You sound like you have really having a hard time. I can't offer much help - only that I had PND with my daughter and the sooner you go to your doctor and get help the better. I'm still not perfect but alot better. Tell them everything and also see your child health nurse.
thankyou, i will. its a horrible feeling. i dont know why i cant get over the breastfeeding, perhaps coz i know its the last baby ill ever have.. so no more chances at bfing.i dont know
hi kat
how long has it been since you have breastfed?

are you still lactating?
it is very possible to relactate and resetablish breastfeeding if its something you want to do.
i cant recommend enough, calling this number 1800 MUM 2 MUM
its the ABA helpline and its a 24 hour free service where you can get advice, support and suggestions.

as for the anxiety/PND/etc i have suffered since before i had my daughter and terribly since having her. if you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.
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