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together but so seperate Lock Rss

ive posted on here a few times, some of youmight remember me..

anyway for those who dont, i have a 3 year old from a previous relationship, he doesnt see his father, and i have a 7 month old with my new partner. since the baby was born (Charlie) , Josh (the 3 yr old) has been very left out, so is very hard to look after unless you know him well like i do..

My partner and i dont have any mutual friends, i have only single mum friends, who i adore, but they either go out ont eh weekends, and i cant go.. or i dont see them as my partner doesnt want to hang out with only girls..

my partners friends, none have kids bar this one horrible family, who i chose not to see or mix with. my partners a very social person, and doesnt understand why i wont go out to bdays or something with him.. as charlie is very unsettled stilll, and unless he has day naps, and is in bed by 7pm, hes up all night.. and joshua, the 3 year old, has bad behaviour problems, and is very bored when you take him places with no kids, and wants immediate attention. and those people tend to not wantt o give it..

my mum i dont ask to come over and babysit so we can go out as a couple, idont believe its fair for her to come and sit here till we come home way late at night.. and my partners mum, is very favoring of charlie, and doesnt know how to handle josh, and doesnt listen to what i want with charlie, and she spoils him, so she definetely isnt babysuitting..

josh seems to be our main problem, as horrible as that is to say, he wont stay anywhere without me.. hes never really been away from me bar when i had charlie. so he wont go stay at his nannies the night, and i dont believer i should split the two kids anyway and said one to each nanny..

not having any life outside of the kids, for me personally, and us as a couple, is tearing us apart, he doesnt want to sit home with "boring me" and i go into a rage when he goes out and leaves me..

is anyone in a similar situation??
Hi there. I think almost every single mum out there goes through the same thing or atleast, something similar anyway at some point. I know for myself just with my one precious lil boy that, I really do find it much easier to stay at home with him than deal with any social occasion due to the fact that I find it extremely hard to relax when we are out & about. Especially if we go to someone's house who doesnt have kids, therefore, probably not a kidsafe environment.
Also, as a stay at home mum, the close bond between my little one & myself is extremely strong & on the occasions that I have gone out on 'date' with my hubby, I used to constantly think about him & worry that he may be upset or not coping without me. The thing is - & this took me a really long time to realise & accept this but, it is extremely important, if you dont start to consciously try & regain a bit of 'you' back as an individual, a partner & a lover too, then, eventually you will cause a whole heap of extra problems not just for yourself but, for your children & your partner too, more so than whats going on for you already. Your little one's will grow up becoming co-dependant on you which will be absolutely horrible for them when they have to go to kindy/school. It wont just effect them but, you too. When they do eventually got to school & you're alone for the first time, how do you think you'll feel? It wont be healthy for anyone will it? You can still be the fantastic mum that you are without trying to be a matyr (sorry if the spellings wrong).
As for your partner, I can only imagine that you see that his life is so much eassier than yours because he's not home all day with the kids like you are but you know what? You've gotta remember too, that although he's gained a new bubs, he's lost the 'YOU' that he fell in love with now. Especially if, like you say, he's a sociable person & is used to going places with you. Guys just arent like us either. He hasnt had the enormous strain on his body both physically & emotionally as you have or dealt with the same sort of responsibility you now have. However, in saying that, he obviously loves you still, even with the strain in your relationship right now, thats why he's still there, atleast trying to work it out. Plus, without him, you wouldnt have had Charlie atleast. Plus, the fact that he has accepted Josh in his life too is a huge thing that may not have been recognised fully.
I am truly sorry if I sound harsh in any way, I certainly dont mean to offend you in any way. Just trying to offer a different perspective to think about.
My suggestion would be to bite the bullet & ask your mum or mother in law to look after your boys every once in a while. Yeah, they may spoil them or put their routine out of whack for a little bit but, for the sake of saving your relationship & inevitably, your own mental health, I think it'd be well worth the sacrifice. When it comes down to it, neither grandparent would physically harm your boys would they? Besides, regardless of genetics, BOTH of your boys are their grandchildren & Im sure that they would love to be able to spend some time alone with them for a while. Just remember too, they themselves are both mothers & know what its like to deal with littlies & their tantrums/emotional ups & downs so dont fear or feel guilty. I am sure as heck that you DESERVE to have a bit of a break even if only for a few hort hours.
Another thing too is, as much as I can fully understand your wanting to keep the boys together as much as you can, I think its really important too that they have their own individuality as Im sure you feel too. Plus, at the age of 3, Josh is right at that age where he needs alot more mental stimulation & if he is constantly around his little brother & sacrificing the one on one time he used to have with you, maybe a great thing for him would be to go to childcare for even just one half day session a week? Depending on how much your income is, it may turn out to be really cheap too as in, around $5-$10 per week. Well worth it for both his sake & yours. My little one hads been going to childcare for one half session a week himself because I feel that its extremely important both to help him become more independant & also because he learns SO much there. It really is a fantastic thing for them! He gets to interact with kids his own age & slightly older & learns so many new skills plus, the fact that he gets concentrated play there means that, by the time I pick him up & take him home, he is exhausted & sleeps solidly for atleast 2-3 hours afterwards! His vocabulary & co-ordination has improved dramatically since going & even though he may cry/whinge for a few minutes when I first drop him off, within a few minutes, he's off playing & having fun.
I honestly cant recommend it highly enough! Plus, the littlies that he goes to childcare with will more than likely be going to the same kindy in the future with him so, it will help that future transition too.
Plus, for you, it would give you some one on one time with Charlie which is just as important too.
I hope all of that helps & doesnt sound too judgmental or anything because that wasnt my intention at all. I just want to help out because I know how you're feeling too because Ive been there. Take care & good luck in the future.
This might sound stupid but why does your partener have to go out all the time on his own...and he obviously knew you had a son.I know it wouldn't be the same for him as when he had a baby with you but isn't that the same for you though,Josh is your child as well and I it doesn't sound like your partener has much respect for the fact that you have that bond with both children.Also married or defacto couples have 2,3 or like us 4 children and there needs to be a balance of each parent having me time as well as family time and couple time.Maybe Josh's behaviour is partly because he might be picking up on the vibe he gets from some of these people or the vibe when you are going to go out. sorry for being so blunt but it seems like josh is being blames for an awful lot for a little guy.Hope it all works out for all your family.
P.S. I had inlaws who used to favour one of kiddies over the other one and not acknowledge them the same.

Mel,Qld,3boys & a girl

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