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I really dont know what to do.. Lock Rss

to give a brief background history, i have a near 3 year old from a previous relationship, he doesnt see his father due to family violence and drug issues *on fathers side* i repartnered last August and fell preg not long after. i had known this guy a long time, not well ,but had known him at least.

Things were great at first, he loved spending time with josh and i, and vice versa. We moved in together in March, so i was around 6 months pregnant. things went downhill from there.. HE kept going out with his friends all the time, attending stupid car meets from a car club hes in *and hes got the nice fancy v8 to go with it, that chews more petrol then we can afford* and i was basically alone most of the pregnancy. Little Charlie was born 4 weeks ago and things have been ok, hes great with his son, but is now ignoring josh, and pushing josh away wenever he goes near charlie and his family do the same. they come here every weekend to see Charlie, and poor josh gets beside himself, and overly naughty, as hes noticing how much ppl arent talking ot him anymore, and how hes been pushed away. its makin things very awkward here, and id ont want to have to go out every time his family come down to see charlie., i dont want the kids seperated.

My partner is a mummys boy, mummys payed all the bills hes ever had for him, done everything for him, so now hes not got much money, shes trying to control things here, and telling me had i done HER budget when we moved in, hed have money for his rediculously priced insurance/rego,and that hes got to take my car to work 40 mins away, to save money. yet i bare teh costs of the v8 daily.. shes just very controlling, doesnt ring up to speak to me anymore, doesnt ask how josh is.i cant talk to my partner about any of this, as i have tried to before, and he tells me to stop etitng so hurt by it and she dosent mean it like this,etc etc, which is bullshit, coz other ppl have comented on the whole situation with josh too..

Now things brings me to another matter.. our relationship, were not close, we dont go out and do anything together, as hes not interested in family things, dinners, parks etc, his weekends consist of a party if someones bdays on, or just sitting here at home on the net, i wouldnt ever take the kids to a party ,especially not at night, and not with idiots drinking and smoking n swearing, ive got a newborn that needs to be at home, and a 3 yr old who will pick up on all the crap they talk about, so he goes to these parties and leaves us at home, weve had a few arguments about him wanting to take charlie on his own, and ive said no.

One more thing upsetting me is this car club.. theres people in it who dont like me,long story. and theyve all sooked to hm about me, yet hes still friends with them, one friend in particular is known for being a flirty tart.. and shes CONSTANTLY smsing and msning him, and he doenst se how she is, hes oblivious to her. but hes been sooking to her about me, and hes so influenced by his mates hell do anything they advise.

I want to be engaged , more then anything, i want that for closure on being a single mum,to feel like a family with josh, not that seperation that josh is mine and charlie is his. ANd hes told me many times to not expect a ring, and i saw in his messages he was speaking to one of these girls who has been married before nd has one child, and is now seperated with another child on the way, and shes told him not to rush into things, and hes liek oh dont worry im not.
just makes me feel like shit.. hes nointentions to get a better job and provide for us. to do family things. its all gotten too much.. and i dont know what to do, i dont know how to approach it as im scred hell go back home to mummys and take Charlie with him..things will get really nasty. i dont know how ill cope if he taes charlie.. of course ill let him see him, but hes far too young to go overnight, i remember with the court process with josh they wouldnt allow him overnight till well and truly over 2, anyone else in this ame situaton? or have any advice for me??
I'm sorry to say this but it really sounds like you have to get out for your own sanity.
If he is happy to put his car and his needs above his family then he has issues. That isn't even including the inlaws.
If he doesn't want to provide adequately for you and his child (I have excluded josh intentionally but merely to indicate how he should atleast feel towards one that is his flesh and blood) by obtaining appropraite employment then really is it worth the fighting and letting yourself feel second class?
If he feels the need to discuss personal details and information with other people such as your relationship and not discuss important things with you and make wise desicions I think it is time to leave.
Do as my mother always suggest. Make a Benjiman Farnklin list. Write down all the pros you can come up with and then all the cons. Be harsh and let that help you decide what to do.

thankyou for the advice, ill do that list this afternoon, i think i alrady know my answer..
theres two things im scared of. 1. how his family will react at a breakup, and whether theyll convince my partner to take charlie with him and theyll look after him,or at least convince him to have charlie there every weekend.. hes too young in my books,. to be away from me for too long.. but without court intervention.. he can basically do what he likes.

and secondly. how il cope with one child at daddys all the time.. and josh just being here.. how josh will cope with that.. i know his family wont take josh up there too.. and really, why should they?? i know how controlling anf overtsaking his mum is.. if i have charlie in a set routine that works, they wont follow it. ad ill have what alot of my frinds have, a child who comes back from dadys spoilt, overtired, and hard to control.
How I am reading it is your partner isnt ready or willing to change. You shouldnt have to settle for anything less if it isnt what you want cause you will end up resenting him in the long run and if you were to force him into something that he doesnt want he will end up resenting you.

nee Lilysmama - Proud Mama of 2 Girls

I think you need to sit sown with him and say " I don't think things are working out ".
See what his reaction is to that.
He may genuinely not realise that things have come to such a stage for you. Once he realises that things are not acceptable to you, so much so that you're ready leave see what his reaction is.
He may get upset and even yell but I wouldn't get into that at all. I would say that yelling recriminations isn't gonna get us anywhere. I want to discuss an amicable split. Hopefully that will take the wind out of his sails and he will settle down realising that you're deadly serious. From then on you should be able to discuss the situation as adults and make a plan.
You may even find that he goes away and has a think about his behaviour and make a change. I would allow him that opportunity.

This is exactly what happened in my relationship. We got around a table and without emotion I discussed how to split. My partner was taken aback and after a bit said that she would like to go away and think about things. Her change in behaviour was nothing short of a miracle and we have been together for a further 5 years.

If you think he is worth it then you should give him the opportunity to change with the clear knowledge that if he doesn't you want to move on. Maybe that will help things but even with all that it opens a dialogue about an amicable split anyway.

Above all else do not get angry.

That's all the advice I can give you.

Rocks weather

Rockies had some very thoughtful advice which you should definitely consider.

Everyone can change, only if THEY want to.

You have to think of your little Josh that is going to be damaged as he has to deal with the lack of attention.
Did he sort of understand there was a sibling on the way throughout your pregnancy?

Karen22 & Charlize20m Makin the most out of life

hi everyone

thankyou so much for all your advice. unfortunaly ive sat him down and said to him, "what do u want from your life, where do u want us to go, have u any life plans? what do u see as the future for us" and sadly. he said nothing, as in nothing at all. i said why dont u say something, and he said he doesnt know what to say. and "doesnt ever express his emotions" that may be true but i think tis a weak excuse..

i tol him i think he should go back to his mums house for a while and have a good hard think about what he wants. but of course he hasnt.. so things are still the same here..

No josh didnt know iw as having a baby, i mean i told him all the time, and showed him other people who were pregnant, and other ppl with newborns but i dont think he realy understood..

Well the weekends coming up.. and im planning who can come over so im not alone with my dp.. nice huh.. i love wed and thursdays as hes out at basketball and soccer.. as much as i hate how hes out doing things, sport i dont mind so much.. and the way things are lately, once the kids are in bed ie now, i prefer to have my alone time..
I'm so sorry you're in this situation its so tough!
My advice is to leave. I know thats a scary thought coz I'm in almost the exact same position as you - 1st bubs dad not on the scene, new partner as of Aug last year and baby on the way - I've really struggled with worrying over this relationship falling part and me being a single mum again with 2 kids. The difference for me is that I have a partner who has actually manned up. He works hard to support us, hes totally committed to being a dad to our son (my firstborn) and puts us first fullstop.
You can't change your partner hes responsible for his own decisions and choices. You're responsible for yours and you're responsible for the well-being of your children. It must be devastating for Josh and its awful thats he being treated like he doesn't belong.
The courts will so not let your baby go to your partner or his family for any extended length of time at the age he is! I know they laughed in my ex's face when he was trying to cause trouble - I had a formula-fed 6 week old and they said absolutely no way would they even consider split custody (I though they might since Jake was FF).
Anyway I think you need to walk away from this before Josh gets anymore hurt! Whatever you decide I'm sending you a big hug!!!
This maybe a long shot but have you thought about talking to his mum? Or his family? What about his dad they are pretty good at getting through on the 'emotional' barrier.

My brother and his DF was in a similar situation where he was being a selfish idiot. He left her in Brissy and moved back to WA. They have 2 kids with each other. Our whole family told him he had to grow up and stop being an ass. She has said to me many times that they would not be together right now if we hadn't intervened and told him to grow up and sort things out also that he can't keep sticking his head in the sand as it isn't going away.

It's good that you have asked him where he wants to be eventually. I think most people don't consider this and live in the moment. Which isn't ideal when then are children involved.

Have another chat with him about what he wants out of life and maybe share some of your own expectations. Keep marriage/commitment off the list just for now but simple things like wanting to go on a family holiday somewhere are a good start.

I hope things sort out for you soon. Men can take awhile to come round to things though. (and rockies I realise that women do too!)

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