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Advice on Mother in Law as Carer Rss

Hi Everyone smile
This is the first time I have posted on a forum so I am a little bit nervous, but I need a little bit of advice and, probably more than anything else - perspective!!

I am a first time mother to a wonderful almost 5 month old boy and am starting to plan my return to work. Since I first found out I was pregnant, my Mother in Law excitedly offered (to my partner, not to me) that she will look after my baby when I returned to work, which is a really lovely offer. Financially, it certainly relieves a lot of stress on us, however there are are a few factors that are making me really nervous.

Since having our baby, and even towards the end of my pregnancy, I have begun to notice how controlling she is over not just my partner, but not over me. She gets upset with my partner when we don't update her with photos several times a week and she is always telling us off for things we do, such as the way we play with our son (he shouldn't do tummy time, he should be eating solids, you can't breastfeed he should be on formula). It has become increasingly more difficult for me to see my In-Laws and it has become so stressful that if I know we are seeing them, I often have a knot in my stomach and struggle to sleep the night before!

I hate feeling this way, because I know that all of this is coming from a place of love for her son and her grandson and she genuinely cares, but I am so scared of leaving her in charge of my son I am contemplating not returning to work. I know I need to get the communication lines open, but I am really struggling to do this as I feel as though she doesn't listen to me.

Whenever she visits, she (and most of the family) pretty much ignore me (AND my partner!?) and she stands there and takes photos of my son. She doesn't play with him, she just stares at him. She never interacts with me except to ask if he is sleeping through the night and putting on weight, or to criticise the way I am caring for him.

I want to be able to trust her with looking after him, but I am so overwhelmed and stressed about being undermined and I am concerned that she will not raise him with the same values that my partner and I would like. How do I get her to understand that when it comes to our son, our decisions are what goes??

Thanks for reading my vent and thank you for any advice!!
That's a tough one.

But I think the bottom line is if she can't respect your wishes and you can't communicate what you would like done with your son when your at work I can't see it working. You need to communicate the routine that you son is in and your MIL needs to respect that and be doing the same routine. Your MIL needs to respect you and the way you want to raise your child.

At the end of the day he is your son and her grandchild. She raised her son the way she wanted and you should have the same chance with your son.

Good luck. MIL can be a pain. Good intentions but too involved.


Wow, what a situation she has put you in!!! I'd be thinking of not going back to work at all or even looking into working from home part time??? Would sharing a nanny with another family be financially viable or family day care??
Wow, what a situation she has put you in!!! I'd be thinking of not going back to work at all or even looking into working from home part time??? Would sharing a nanny with another family be financially viable or family day care??
If your hubby feels unable to discuss your joint concerns I'd be saying in front of her and the rest of the family "hubby and I approach things in our own way such as xyz, and let them know quite clearly that he and you have come to parenting decisions with much research and thorough consideration of all factors so they don't dismiss your shared pint of view. You could also try interrogate her about what it was like with her own mother & mother in law when she was a young mum. Also refer to the fact that parenting advice has changed through the generations like the who recommendations about breastfeeding etc. your local child health nurse may have brochure/booklet aimed at grandparents that address these sort of issues in a grandparent friendly way.
Keep your chin up and talk through with your hubby and stay strong together.
Hope some of this might help!
My in laws are a bit the same, I have a four month old and and am also looking at options for bubs as I need to go back to work too, I've already crossed the inlaws off as I don't trust them, they are irresponsible and didnt look after thier own children properly let alone mine, they wanted to look after my son when I went back to work and I told them he is going to daycare instead. They were pretty shocked but in the end it's my child and I choose who cares for him, they are always welcome to visit and we go to thier house but I am not leaving my four month old with them for a number of reasons. I just told them he needs to be in daycare for his development, and they bought it I think. I would rather put him in daycare than have them look after him. I won't go into reasons why but trust me you wouldn't want to leave your kids with them either. It's your child and you make the decisions about who cares for him and what is to be done with him. If I was you and you really don't want your in laws looking after him, put him into daycare, if you would rather that or if you can afford, don't go back to work. If you don't want to let your mil look aft him, it's simple, don't.
Good luck, you are the mother and its up to you what happens with your child.




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